I want to share something pretty interesting with my IGTBTD
readers today. Friends of mine, Duane and his son, Curran, recently
participated in some wacky steeplechase-ironman-grungefest. There was all kinds
of running through mud and fire and everything wonderful. Here's a picture of
the two of them going through one of the water hazards.
What a great scene, father and young adult son bonding
through the shared experience of testing their strength and endurance. I really
encourage this kind of father-son activity. Especially as the kids get older,
we dads need to find new ways of staying connected with our kids as they
grapple with all the challenges of the grown-up world.
Only one problem… the photo above is an amazing optical
illusion. Curran is actually 14 and a freshman in high school. Scroll down to see
the picture in the last paragraph. That's Curran's actual size.
When these photos first popped up on my friend's Facebook
account, I was stunned. I was stunned that the camera accidentally captured
what was happening inside
Curran! He's already beginning to feel like a man. Girls are more
"interesting". Work, and income, is beginning to add a new level of independence. He thinks about life in
more complex and subtle ways than ever before. In short, he's growing up, fast,
even though he may be a couple years away from the growth spurt that will
signal to the rest of us that he is quickly becoming the young man he looks
like in the first picture.
A couple posts back, I
wrote about the developmental issues that maturing children face and how
dads can "mature" in our fathering techniques to keep pace. If you
haven't yet, please read that post.
But let's let Duane and Curran give us some tremendous
advice as well… Dads, keep growing in how you connect with your kids. This
wackadoodle run through fire and water would have been frustrating and nearly
impossible for Curran just a couple years ago. It would have separated father and son. Now, from
either picture you want to look at, it seems that father and son found an
experience that drew them closer together.
With my boys, I've gone from working on Legos to working on
cars. Although I think I was much more skilled on the Legos, I now cherish that
time together under an oily Jeep engine. I think my kids might, too!
Dad's keep growing along with your children! It's good to be
the dad!!!
My journey toward Empty Nesting is now just days... heartbeats... away. Youngest son will wave goodbye to Mommy and Daddy in less than three weeks and be off on his "grown up" journey. Many of my readers are in my shoes. Many others of my readers are preparing for the first day of Elementary School.
I've got something for each situation. Enjoy these re-runs posted last summer, but still urgently fresh.
We have a saying around our house, “10s get 10s”. It’s not a
law of the universe, more like a proverb (which simply means something proves to be true often enough that you
can generally rely on it). Think of the clichéd high school romance – the football
quarterback and the cheerleader. It’s a cliché because it happens often enough
in reality that we understand what it’s telling us… “10s get 10s”.
This all started when I showed my boys this three minute snippet from a
Discovery Channel show, The Science of Sex Appeal.
I encourage you to watch it and then to share it with your
children (probably teens will understand it best).
My point in all this is to stimulate my sons to be 10s. Oh,
you’ve see the family photos… “good luck with that”, right?
Fortunately, we’ve evolved a little bit beyond appreciating
pure physical attraction. Our mate-seeking preferences extend to consider a
person’s work ethic, disposition, and compatibility of interests. The good news
is we all can be(come) 10s in many ways other than what the “mirror, mirror on
the wall” tells us. And this applies to far more than just pair-bonding.
I recently shared this graph with my youngest son. I call it
the “10s get 10s” graph. (You should be
able to click and enlarge it.) The black,
bell curve line represents the “application of abilities”. Not many of us are
the absolute best on earth at any one thing (raw ability). But we can all make
an effort to apply the abilities that we do have.
Whether playing the piano or soccer, bussing tables, or
managing a Fortune 500 company, most of us are likely to get better based on
the diligence with which we apply our ability. We approach “10ness” by our
efforts to get better. The bell curve indicates that most people are satisfied
with being a 4, 5, 6, or 7. Moving to the far right side of the curve simply
takes more effort than most humans want to give… but I believe that high-value
ground is available to more people than will ever go there.
The ascending red line represents the “…get 10s” side of the
equation – opportunities and rewards. To go back to our cliché, the quarterback
(the one with a 10 on his forehead) tends to attract the attention of the
cheerleader (with a 10 on her forehead). Again and fortunately, we’re not all
stuck in the mediocre rut our looks and natural abilities afford us. The more
we apply our abilities, the more likely
(it’s a proverb, remember) we are to experience rewards for our efforts,
whether that be relatively higher income, relatively more satisfying relationships,
perceived greater esteem, etc.
Dads, this is where YOU come in. I urge you to think about
this topic and consider translating it to your children. (I love running errands
with my children or taking them to lunch and talking about things just like
this.) Examples of “10s get 10s” are all around us and worth using as teaching
opportunities with our children.
A youngster picked to be the soccer team captain is
probably a child that shows up consistently and works hard at practice – it’s
not always the team’s leading scorer. The child selected to assist the teacher
on a demonstration is usually one who has paid attention and shown an interest
in class. Summer mowing jobs usually go to the neighbor kid who did a good job the
first time. And healthy, life-long relationships go, not to star-crossed
lovers, but to those who work at love day in and day out.
You can find innumerable examples of “10s get 10s” in your
immediate world and explain them to your children. I hope you do. I hope you
emphasize that people who work at applying their abilities are the people who tend
to experience greater opportunities and rewards for their efforts. Because that’s
how life tends to work.
A personal example comes to mind right now that will uniquely
illustrate this. I consider myself something of a barbeque aficionado – both producing
and consuming it. Years ago, when KC
Masterpiece bbq sauce was just hitting the national tongue, I did a taste
test with some friends comparing my sauce to Rich Davis’ nasty, molassesey
Texas-style sauce (in my humble opinion). ALL of my taste-testers liked mine
better. When I made the big reveal, that they had all selected my sauce over the
million dollar competitor, one friend looked at me flatly, saying “everybody
makes better sauce than KC Masterpiece. Davis just got his out there.”
It’s all true. Rich Davis brewed small batches of his sauce
in his home kitchen, bottled it, and went door-to-door, store-to-store,
pestering his way onto grocery shelves. He applied his abilities (and mediocre
sauce) and became a 10, making millions of dollars along the way.
Me, I still make
better sauce, but you’d never know it. I’m working at being a 10 dad, not saucier.
What about you?
