The “AND” Problem

A college professor stunned me when he made me realize, “Only in America (any first world country) do we brag about food products with NO nutritional value.”  He illustrated with diet sodas with zero calories.  Food is how we get calories (fuel) into our bodies.  But we have such a wealth of nutritional food available to us, we have problems with EXCESS calories (stored as fat).  Residents of third world countries, who battle starvation daily, do not think our Zero Calorie accomplishment to be noteworthy.  But still, that’s our way of life.  Note this commercial for Coke Zero:

It’s not enough to have an ice cream cone, the boy wants ice cream AND sprinkles.  It’s not enough to have a pet dog, he wants a dog AND tricks.  It’s not enough to have a job, he wants a job AND extra benefits.  It’s not enough to have an attractive girl pay you a compliment, he wants a complimenting girl AND unaccountable sex.  It’s not enough to have a food product with no nutritional value, he wants it to taste like sprinkles/tricks/benefits/sex, too!

But, in reality, the “AND” problem is not the problem of having one thing and then wanting more, the “AND” is wanting two things that are in tension with one another.

Every dad feels the tension of the “and” problem.  I recently wrote about a son’s misdeeds and how I felt challenged to deal with them.  I could have easily punished him according to his wrong-doing.  OR I could have just have easily demonstrated unconditional acceptance of him and let the violation pass.  The problem arose because I wanted to express my love for my son AND deal with his violation of my rules.  That’s a good way beyond ice cream AND sprinkles.

Even our American “Pledge of Allegiance” wrestles with then tension between “Liberty AND Justice for all”.  If we all had liberty, I could take your possessions, lie to you on a contract, and generally be a bad character.  In other times, and currently other cultures, thieves “justly” had their hands cut off for possession-taking.  Allowing all citizens liberty AND protecting the values of justice creates a tension that is still not well resolved in our country.

It’s Christmas time and the Christmas story has its own AND tension:

And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. (Matthew 1:19)

Joseph was impaled upon the horns of a Liberty and Justice dilemma – or better, a Love and Law dilemma.  He loved Mary, but there was this problem of her being pregnant… and not by him!  Law required punishment.  Love required forgiveness.  Fortunately, according to the Christmas story, the problem resolves itself when it is revealed that Mary is pregnant miraculously.  But that doesn’t diminish the tension that Joseph felt.

Dads, how do you handle to tension of Liberty and Justice, of Love and Law?  Let me remind you, this is not an older teen, young adult problem.  By the time children are three or four years old, and certainly by the time they are in early elementary school, their notions of right and wrong, acceptance and rejection are being firmly shaped.  They are watching you to see if one ideal matters more – Liberty or Justice.  We do well to find a balance and sooner than later.

When my niece was still quite young, her parents approached her discipline with a unique spin.  When she offended the laws of the home and was disciplined or punished, she could not seek sympathy or consolation from anyone other than the parent who had chastised her.  That is a remarkable practice!  It taught her that reconciliation is also an ideal of the home and it reinforced that a parent who would discipline is also (AND) a parent who loves.  A great idea to put into effect in your home!

When there is a violation of home rules, I also suggest that a parent take the time to explain the wisdom of the rule.  This puts the parent in the position of making wise rules and it teaches the child to seek the wisdom of rules outside the home.  There’s a reason we have STOP signs where streets intersect; it’s not to limit your freedom, it's to protect your life!

Dad, finding a balance between Liberty and Justice, Law and Love is definitely in the category of “heavy lifting”.  It’s not easy to find balance and it is not always easy to explain your balance to your child.  But trust me on this, your child is going to wrestle on their own with Liberty and Justice.  Why not start helping them now by setting a good example?

Clark H Smith

Learning to Be A Better Dad

I recently posted some musings about “a parent’s final grade”. One of my son’s actually read the post and agreed that a lot of the grade is based on what the child takes from his youth into adulthood.  And we talked about a significant example…

Our four boys came in “sets of two”.  Isaac and Noah were born in 1985 and 1987.  Joshua and Gideon came along in 1993 and 1995.  A lot of our family and parenting experiences were formed by the two sets of brothers sharing similar experiences at close to the same time.

When the oldest two brothers began to drive, I realized I had failed miserably in helping them understand their physical world.  Let’s say they were “cartographically challenged” – they did not excel at map skills.  The stories of getting lost are still favorite bits of family chatter.

Beautiful, orderly Johnson County, Kansas

Nonetheless, when Joshua and Gideon came along, I determined that they would know their compass points and town layout like the back of their own hands.  We’re fortunate that the layout of our home turf is based on basic survey designations of township and range lines.  All our major thoroughfares run true north & south / east & west and are a mile apart.

I printed out maps for each son, a simple grid, and labeled only one north-south street and one east-west street.  Then the fun began.  When they were elementary age, I had Friday afternoons off from work while my wife was at work.  Field trip!  As we drove around town sampling ice cream, looking at gun stores, or playing in parks, I’d have the kids pay attention to where they were and what they saw. 

“Look guys, we’re one mile east of Quivira.  What’s this big street we’re coming up to?”  And the boys would scribble “Switzer” on their map cards.  I’d have them mark the location of church, the swimming pool, and of course, the ice cream store.  It was complete fun (they had no idea how much they were learning!).

Pretty soon, I started having the boys calculate distances to our destination without their maps.  Major streets on our grid are exactly a mile apart, so estimations were pretty easy.  Developing this kind of command of their (local) world has given the boys tremendous confidence to travel about.  I dare say I use a GPS more than they do!  And neither Joshua or Gideon ever get lost (ruining prospects of more dinner table teasing).

What started out as play has become an empowering experience for my (younger two) sons.  The whole “map skills” topic also reminds me how much I didn’t know about being a dad when I started out.  I learned and matured a lot through parenting Isaac and Noah.  I wish I had been more equipped. 

And that’s the point of this blog isn’t it?  I’m sharing some ideas and encouragement that might help young dads start faster than I did.  I’m honored to be an “Official Blog” of the National Center for Fathering.  My friends at NCF are doing a terrific job to help dads at all stations of life be even better dads.  Please check out Fathers.com website and friend them up on Facebook.  You, and the people you influence, will be better dads for it.

Pssst… and it also helps a ton when you SHARE one of my IGTBTD posts on Facebook.  Just a hint.

Clark H Smith

Druncles… or A Parent’s Final Grade

I call this photo
"Family on the Rocks"
because that's what it is, nothing more.

I want to pose a question to my readers: When do parent’s get their final grade?  When can we say, “this is what I have accomplished as a parent”?

I have my own idea about when I can survey my work as a dad, but I’d really like to hear from you.  Email me or post a comment on Facebook.  In the meantime, I’d like to share a couple grades I’ve gotten along the way.

My mom will turn 98 in a couple months.  Up until February 2012, she had lived with us for the prior 13 years.  She intimately knew the dynamics of our family.  Soon after she moved in with my wife, my four boys, and me she made a rare comment about my parenting.

“I think, sometimes, you are too hard on the boys.”

At the time the boys were 2, 4, 10, 12 years old.  They were just what they should be, rambunctious, energetic, occasionally challenging, but generally delightful kids.  I gently responded to my mom, “Look at those boys, do they seem unhappy?  Do they seem like they're afraid to take a wrong step?”  

Mom smiled broadly and simply said, “Well, no they don’t.  Not at all.”

That was my “first quarter” parenting grade.  Mom was just being a loving mother in her admonition to me, but if “the proof is in the pudding”, a quick look at the well-being of my sons indicated that they were doing just fine and I was being a good dad.

Fast forward a decade and a half.  Mom is now in a nursing home.  She has forgotten that she has a family, still full of happy, rambunctious boys.  We made a rare, out-of-town excursion for Thanksgiving.  All of us (six Smiths plus a daughter-in-love and very welcome girlfriend) held up for 40 hours or so in a small house on a lake in southern Missouri.

I hear horror stories of family gatherings ruined by assorted broken family dynamics.  A common punch line is “the drunk uncle”.  I’ve never had to deal with something like that – or fighting parents or siblings.  I know it happens all the time.  I’m sorry if that’s part of your family story.  All I can think is what a calamity it would be for a Mom and a Dad to look out over the Thanksgiving table at people who couldn’t get along with one another (or within themselves, sometimes).

This was the first time our family has gathered like this – all young adults, all with their own quirks and peculiar interests, all together for the holiday.  I’m happy to say I got another passing grade on this one.  The house was filled with uproarious laughter and good-natured heckling every moment we were awake.  No druncles, no fights, no wound someone wouldn’t let heal.  It was perfect.

I’m not claiming all the credit for this harmony.  People have to want to get along.  I’m just glad that was their choice.  I loved it.  My wife was blessed by the peace and joy that bound the family together.

Personally, I think Dad’s final grade comes when his own child is the parent of a young adult (a grandfather for 20 years or so).  At that point, you have raised a child who has raised a child.  You find what your own son or daughter has received from you and passed on to their child.

I’m not there, yet.  I’m still a generation away from truly discovering the value of my parenting.  But I just got “mid-term” grade and I’m kind of excited about it.  I’d love to show my grade report to my mom.  She’d be so proud of me.  And, in turn, she’d see that she got an “A” on her own final exam.

Clark H Smith

Christmas Gifts – What and Why

When I was in college I was invited to house-sit the homes of several upper-middle class families.  Just days before one Christmas, I spent the night in a home of a family who’d flown to Colorado for a pre-Christmas ski trip.  The home left a great impression on me.

In the family room, a tree stretched from floor to 12 foot vaulted ceiling.  It was decked and trimmed from trunk to tip.  And yet, a good quarter of the tree could hardly be seen.  Gifts for the three girls of the home piled waist-deep, completely encircling the large conifer. 

My parents were not wealthy.  The older I get, the more I realize how impoverished we were financially.  I’d never seen such a gift-giving spectacle.  I was, in a word, impressed.

As the dad of four boys, I often faced Christmas as a daunting challenge.  How many gifts are sufficient?  How much should I spend?  How do I strategize a gift that packs the “WOW” punch and not get diluted with all the other gifts?  My wife and I found ourselves wandering the aisles of Batteries R Us, juggling gift equality based largely on how much we spent on each child.

Although gift-giving is a long-standing social custom in most cultures, the reason my family exchanges gifts… at Christmas... is because we’re honoring our belief that God gave Jesus to the world.  We are created in God’s image so gift-giving is in our DNA.  Jesus also received gifts at His birth.  Remember gold, frankincense, and myrrh?  And don’t forget that Joseph and Mary chipped in according to their means – swaddling clothes.

Those four gifts are the categories of gifts we give our children every year.  (Actually, these are simply the four gifts we give.  Each child has four gifts under the tree.  We have replaced abundance with thoughtfulness and meaning.)  Please take about five minutes and read more about The Jesus Gifts.  I hope it inspires more meaningful gifting.

Just today, I read an article by British man that almost set my blood boiling.  The first paragraph really ticked me off, but I read on and realized how wise his suggestions were.  One section heading makes a point that I urge every gift-giver to consider carefully: “We're disconnecting from why we give”.

The Jesus Gifts process draws my wife and I into a deep and thoughtful examination of each child’s life.  Every year, the Gold gift is a celebration of each child’s personality and bent in life.  We usually start our planning in the late summer.  We talk about each child, what they’re doing in life, what they’re interested in, and where we see them moving forward. 

Gold, especially, is born out of those conversations.  Frankincense, myrrh, and swaddling clothes also grow out of those considerations of each child’s life.  I hope for you that Christmas gifting is a process (not a purchase) that causes you to embrace each child’s life deeply.

It’s not to late to look at The Jesus Gifts and see if it doesn’t give you some inspiration.  I hope it does.  And by the way, Merry Christmas.

Clark H Smith

Say Who All We Love

An acquaintance of mind, David Patterson, once wrote some of the most precious and poignant words I’ve ever read:

“Home is where you first hear your name spoken in love.”

Think back to when your baby entered your home.  Think about the words you cooed to that precious child.  Think about the tenderness with which you spoke those words, including your baby’s name.  Love wrapped its arms around that name and carried it into your babe’s heart.  Home is where you first hear your name spoken in love.  What a perfect portrait of the home.

And your baby’s name is not the only name spoken in love.  “Mommy”  “Daddy”  “Bubba”  “Sissy”  All the names of the home wear the same cloak of affection. 

Tammy & Raylee...
thanks for the inspiration, ladies!

A dear friend of mine began a wonderful bedtime experience with her sons long ago and continues often now when her grand-niece visits.  When the busyness of the day is done and a night’s sleep is at hand, my friend cuddles up with her child and, together, they say “who all we love” - listing everyone by name and repeating several names. 

What a wonderful bedtime tradition… for the home to not only be the place where your name is spoken in love, but also the place where you express and emphasize the love you have for others.

I’m sharing this bedtime tradition in this blog because I think this is a perfect experience for fathers to participate in.  Yes, moms are the one who typically represent the beauty of love in the home.  All the more reason dads should find meaningful times and ways to help their children recognize that their dad is a loving person, too.  I certainly want my children to see me as a compassionate person with love for the people in my world.  Don’t you?

If you’re fortunate to still have children who crave a few moments with you before they sail off to Dreamland, consider cuddling up with them and getting lost in saying “who all we love.”  I have a feeling it will make their dreams all the sweeter.

Clark H Smith

You Only Need One Of Anything

Just watched the ESPN 30 for 30 movie “Broke”.  Stunning!

(If it becomes available online, I’ll post the link here.)

Through pro athletes telling their personal tragedies, “Broke” presents a painfully real montage of squandered wealth and opportunity.  The movie-maker acknowledges the problem – in most cases, athletes come from poor homes and communities, become extravagantly wealthy with their signing bonus, and have no clue about dealing with wealth.

Billions of dollars that could have gone to trust funds for children, charitable foundations, investments in sound business opportunities, and decades of comfortable “retirement” living has instead rained on strippers, settled paternity suits, disappeared in dubious investment schemes, and myriad other forms of dissipation.

At NFL Rookie Orientation, Herm Edwards admonishes the young nouveau riche, “You only need one of anything.”  One home, one car, one gold chain, “not a Mr. T starter set”, and presumably, only one baby mama.

The barrage of failure anecdotes in “Broke” was withering.  I was truly sad that none of the athletes had someone who could speak financial wisdom into their lives.  From Bernie Kosar who suffered an alcoholic father to numerous athletes from the ghetto who may have never known their fathers, there was a consistent backstory to “Broke” – most of these athletes grew up without learning to trust a father (or father-figure) who could help them understand the world.

Then, the most remarkable thing happened.  At sixty-eight minutes into the live airing of the movie, a Buick commercial comes on.  Maybe you’ve seen it.

Here’s the irony that nearly knocked me over, “Broke” was sponsored by a commercial featuring a pitchman who is famously successful in the financial world as well as the football world – Peyton Manning.  And in the commercial, Peyton is driving his beautiful Buick over to a cookout at his dad’s house – former pro QB, Archie Manning.

My high-placed sources at Google tell me that Peyton has a current net worth of $115million and is playing under a $98m contract.  Little brother Eli is probably just driving a Chevy considering his paltry $60m net worth and $97m contract.  Are the Manning boys having to pay Mom & Dad’s rent?  Probably not.  Although only earning $600,000 in 1981, his last year in the league, thirty years later, Archie’s net worth is reportedly $10m*.

I don’t know anything about Manning home life, but I doubt it was at all like what Bernie Kosar reports – a father who lashed him a belt if Bernie was slow fetching dad’s next beer.  Senior Kosar later bilked his son out of millions of Bernie’s money.

So, what’s the big point here?  There will always be someone who’s more than capable of separating a fool and his money.  My question – for all my readers, all you dads – are you doing what is necessary to raise financially wise adults?  And children, are you listening?

ESPN is going to run “Broke” several more times in the coming week.  I hope you dads will watch it with your kids – 10 years and up, for sure.  And then, get serious about raising future Reggie Wilkes**, not KeithMcCants***.  Let me know if I can help.

By the way, did you hear about the former pro quarterback who was paid $100m just to borrow his name for a few years?  It’s all true.

Clark H Smith


*All things being equal, if the Manning boys do at least as well as dad after football, each will have estates worth over a half a billion dollars when they’re Pop’s age.

** During his football career, Wilkes began working at Merrill Lynch. After about 10 years at Merrill, he left to found his own company, ProCap LLC. He rejoined Merrill in 2007, about three years after selling ProCap.  Wilkes net worth in 2011 - $200m.

*** "I wish I had never had any money," McCants said during an interview at the Pinellas County jail, where he has been held since April 23 on a fugitive warrant from Mobile. "I would've been great without money. It's a sad story, but it's a true story. Money destroyed everything around me and everything I care for, my family, my so-called friends. I just want enough to live on. I never want to be rich again."

Disciplining the "Big Deal"

As a young child and into my teen years, when my brother and I fought, my mom would often intervene by saying, “You’re just trying to hurt me.”

Of course, now I see that attempted guilt trip for what it was, but even as a youngster I was perplexed by her being so far off base.  I fought with my brother because I thought he was a dork or he had something I wanted.  How my mother felt about it was my last concern.

Fast forward.  I’m now a parent of four boys ranging in age from 27 to 17.  Sibling rivalries have given way to friendship and support.  Thank you, Lord!  But even when they fought as children I never dropped a guilt bomb on them.

Recently, one of my sons did something he shouldn’t have.  It was a big deal.  It wounded my trust and a bond I felt we had built.  As we debriefed his transgression and I thought about how to mete out consequences for what he did, something inside of me kept saying, “Whatever you do, don’t let your son’s actions break the relationship you have with him.”  I actually verbalized to him, “I’m not going to let this become a problem between you and me.”

I was kind of stunned by that recommendation from my inner voice.  I’m not sure I’d heard it before.  But I certainly felt there was a lot of wisdom in it.  Although I felt personally injured as a parent, I was looking out over the decades to come and I realized that I didn’t want his foolishness to blow up the bridge that linked us.

Hearing this wisdom, I approached my son’s “punishment” differently.  He lost some privileges for a while, but the larger consequence was that my wife and I put in place some accountability measures.  The punishment was actually a path for rebuilding trust.  Instead of screaming “I’m mad at you,” we pleaded, “Treasure the trust your parents place in you.”  Accordingly, the consequences actually became a closer bond and connection.  Pretty amazing.  Thank you, inner voice.

Now obviously we’re not talking about sibling fights in this instance.  Petty crimes are often best solved by immediate disciplinary action, but when you face a “big deal” with an older child, I hope you’ll heed your inner voice when it urges you to be patient, be thoughtful, and do what it takes to make your relationship with your child stronger.

Clark H Smith

If you would like to consider the spiritual implications of this situations, please visit my Follow Illustrated blog and read "For My Own Sake".

First Day of School

Yesterday I posted some thoughts about College Drop Off Day.  Today, I’m looking at the other end of the spectrum – First Day of School (especially first graders).

The first day of First Grade is an exciting time for students and overwhelming moment for parents.  Two decades later, I still have part of a lump in my throat from my oldest son’s first day.  Here’s a short video documenting the day.  (Please forgive the hairstyles and fashion disasters!)

If you are one of those parents about to introduce a first grader to school life, there’s hope.  You will get them back at the end of the day!  I asked a good friend of mine, Marsha Butler, to share some thoughts about getting your child ready for that big first day at school.  Marsha has been teaching elementary school in Kansas for 35 years.  (She started at age 9, I guess.)  I asked Marsha about teaching awards she’s received.  Her response: “Hugs are the best rewards.”

Wonderful Marsha, and her handsome husband Bob

There are lots of great things to do to prepare both parents and beginning kindergartners or first graders the summer before the year begins.

As you approach the first day of school, talk about school in a positive light. Talk about how they will be away from home without a parent.  Discuss how much fun it will be learning new things.  During the summer, plan play dates with children that are the same age and may be in the same class.  Invite children to your house, but also be sure they have time away from you, too.  Discuss sharing, manners, being helpful, and be a good friend.

Two to three weeks before the beginning of school, walk to the school and play on the playground.   Get the school supply list and let your child help pick out the supplies they need.  Maybe talk about the clothes that they will be wearing and pick out a new shirt or outfit.  If the child is riding a bus to or from school, talk about what that will be like and find an older child to help them at first.

Before school begins, establish a schedule at home and especially a bedtime.  Children need about ten hours of sleep.  Be sure they are eating a healthy breakfast.  Talk about the lunch that they will have at school or if they take their lunch, what choices they will have.  This is a good time to talk about good nutrition.

The week before schools starts, do a dress rehearsal of the first day of school.  Be sure they have plenty of time so that you are not rushing out the door.  Most schools have an evening before school starts that families can tour the building, meet the teacher, and see the room.  Be sure you go and meet the teacher.  This may be a time for parents to sign-up to volunteer or be a part of PTA or PTO.  Children that see their parents involved in school will understand the importance of school.   Always be an encourager to the teacher... they need your support!  That week before, have your child write a little note or picture for the teacher.

The night before, everybody as an early bedtime.  After a good breakfast, parents take your child to school and say good bye at the door.  (If you are going to cry, hold it until after they are in the room).  Do not make the good-bye long.  Reassure the child you will see them after school is out.  If this is an emotional time, plan to meet other parents at a local coffee shop to talk about it.   After school is out, be excited to hear about your child's day and what they did.  Plan a celebration - a favorite dinner or dessert.   Be consistent with the schedule, reading, and homework. 

Thanks Marsha!  Great advice that I know will help parents and students alike.  I want to add a thought… I got kind of choked up when Marsha asked us to be an encourager to the teacher.  My mom was an elementary teacher and our family has also homeschooled with my wife doing the heavy lifting of teaching.  I whole-heartedly agree that teachers need – and deserve – encouragement.  I hope that all my readers will make a point of being a most encouraging parent this school year.  Who knows, maybe the teacher will give you an apple!

College Drop Off Day Success

For millions of children, August means back-to-school.  For some, August will present an entirely new life experience – college.  Having dropped off a couple kids at college already, I’m keenly aware of the cocktail of personal and family emotions that “Drop Off Day” (DOD) brings.  This short video captures DOD our first time around.  Note: If you put a 10 year old in charge of videography, you may find out the truth of exactly what will be missed around the house!

I’ve recently had the pleasure to meet Dr. Pat Bosco, Kansas State University’s Vice President for Student Life and Dean of Students.  I asked Dr. Bosco to take on the unofficial title of “Dean of Parents” and give some words of encouragement to the parents of incoming freshmen.  (Sorry that video was of #1 son dropping off at KU, Pat. #4 son is all yours!)

Dr. Bosco shares his wisdom…

The best you can do to prepare your child for college is what you have been doing... love, support, encourage. Show them you care and that you are excited for them. Let them know you believe they will be successful goes a long way.

Do not feel like you have to be the first to arrive on moving day. Getting there early or later will still result in the same room, set-up, etc. Take time in the morning to plan the day, don't rush to be first in line. Being relaxed, organized and having a good breakfast helps everyone have a good frame of mind.

Let your student set the tone for the day. It’s important for them to know that they can handle things on their own and planning move in day can be a first step to independence as a college student. You will be able to see your student in action, handling conflict, transition, etc. That can help reassure you as well.

Be mindful of your child’s inner tensions. Students are wondering if they are the only one feeling conflicting feelings... if they will be able to be successful... will they make friends. Let them know you believe in them, they can and will be successful. Encourage your student to make new friends. All students are making new friends and learning a new place. Remind them they are not alone. Parents should make connections with each other as well.

Helping your student move in is good, but once they are dropped off it is time for parents to go. Students often comment that they do not feel like they are a college student until their family has left. Move them in, take them to lunch, and head for home. Have your student walk you to the car for a final goodbye. It is easier for them to embrace their new life as a college student, make friends, and get settled when they are on their own. They know they can call if they need you.

Moving forward... set plans for the first visit home, but not the first weekend they are away. Send signs of care throughout the semester. Care packages during finals and midterms, text them before a test, little signs to show them you are there and care. Show you are invested in their success, but let them choose how much they want you to help. Parents can support each other through this process... plan something fun for just mom and dad to do that first weekend.

Parents shift from guardians to mentors during this time. Guide your student in firm, but gentle ways. Let them know it is ok to ask for help. Open-ended questions help them share their thoughts and feelings. Offering help can be good, but ultimately they need to make final decisions on their own.

Good words, Dr. Bosco.  Thank you very much.  I would add that parents should remember that every child is unique.  Ask them in advance what they would like their day to look like and then double-check a couple times during DOD to see if they suggest any changes to the plan.  Mom & Dad, as hard as it may be to accept, this is a huge ASCD (apron string cutting day).  As much as you’d like to hold on, your child needs to cut loose.  Meditate on that as the day approaches.  And have a fresh box of tissues ready for the drive home.

The Dad Box

I was fortunate to be able to speak at my home church on Father's Day 2012.  My topic was "The Dad Box".  You can watch the video on YouTube.

Every father builds a box that his children will eventually inherit and carry around in their own lives.  My dad was not perfect and The Dad Box I got from him has some stuff in it that I'd rather not have to lug around.

On the other hand, I've seen so many people in this world have a Dad Box that is crippling them.  It's ruining their lives and it's ruining the lives of people around them.  My sermon is especially directed at those of you with Dad Boxes that you can't bear to carry anymore.   I hope you'll watch this video, take it to heart, and tell me what you think.

To all us dads who are still working on our own boxes, you can't take anything out of or put anything into your father's Dad Box, but you still have the chance to change what you put in your own box.  My message will encourage you as you fill up The Dad Box you're about to give to your children.

Whatever you situation, I wish for you the courage to persevere in doing what is best for the generations that come and carry your Dad Box.

Clark H Smith

Father's Day... Only Half The Story

There's a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate as I approach Father's Day.  I've been invited to preach at my home church this Sunday. Topic: What Children Need From Their Father.

I think... I hope... I have enough material.  I'll post my message next week and you can judge for yourself.  But the bottom line is I'll only get to half the message.

There's a paradox in Father's Day - all us fathers were all once sons. We still are.  Although we added a new job to our resume, we are all still what we were first - kids.

I call this a paradox because those little angels who look up at us with their innocent eyes assume that, as tall people, we must have all the answers, we must be professionals at this career of parenting.

In reality, I still desperately want to go to a lake and chunk rocks and watch the ripples.  I still want to stay up late and sleep in. I want to plop fizzies and count fireflies.  I still want to be the way I discovered the world - innocent, inquisitive, and happily restless.

When I was a lad I liked apple juice.  I drank it frequently into early adulthood.  Then something odd happened.  I became a father.  And the pitcher of amber ambrosia in the fridge was now for the young'uns.  I put away children's things.  Sure, I could enjoy a pitcher all to myself now.  But it wasn't the juice.  It was being a kid and drinking the juice.  That's the part that's not in the fridge.

I love my four boys.  More than they'll know... until they have kids, and find an indescribable love, and forsake apple juice and become the Knower-of-Everything and Giver-of-Allowance.  For the time being, I know something they don't.  It's good to be the dad.

Between now and Father's Day, PLEASE read this excellent short essay by an acquaintance of mine.  It moved me.

Clark H Smith

"...For The Rest of Her Life"

I’m the father of four boys.  The only thing pink in my house is the dampness indicator on my cell phone battery.  

I have no idea what it’s like to sit at a tea party, to sit in front of WalMart selling Girl Scout cookies, or to sit with a daughter who’s just had her heart broken by a boy.  To me, it’s like visiting Holland.  I’m sure it’s a nice place, but I’ve just never been there.

I’ve done the math and calculated that raising girls is eleven times more challenging than raising boys.  Is that about right?  Every day, every hour, fathers of daughters set the standard of what these beautiful flowers are going to expect from men in their grown up lives. 

I’m a little reluctant to ask Chris Rock to drive this point home for me, but a short clip from one of his comedy routine sums up the issue perfectly.  Here's the link. (Be aware, Rock uses coarse subject matter and language I do not condone. Please watch judiciously.)

Chris Rock makes a dramatic point that every dad needs to understand:

“My relationship with my daughter is going to affecther relationship with men for the rest of her life.”

As the father of boys, I’ve had the privilege of hosting innumerable young ladies in my home.  My heart always breaks for the girls who have “daddy issues” – the ones’ whose father is not doing the heavy lifting of being a good dad.  Please read my previous post on this related topic.  Dads of daughters, I salute you and I applaud you.  I tremble at the thought of what you face every day. 

As we move toward Father’s Day, I want to ask my readers, fathers of daughters and/or sons, to consider again your influence upon your children’s friends.  Many of them come into your home and feel a safety and peace they quietly, desperately hunger for.  

Be the dad to each and every one of these kids.  Get to know them.  Ask about their lives, their school, their family.  Show an interest in them just like you show interest in your own children.  Yup, your own kids will cringe occasionally, but over time, they’ll understand what you’re doing.

Why do this?  Because if ever a child enters your home and that child needs a father to look up to - be that dad.  Don't miss an opportunity to show a child that there are great dads out there who care, who love, who lead with grace.  Give them something to hope for even if they don't see it at home.

And one more thing.  Dads tend to have friends who are dads.  Would you consider encouraging them?  Every dad personally feels the weight of being the leader of the family.  Every dad I know constantly takes inventory of how he’s doing and whether the kids “are going to turn out alright”.  Take the lead and encourage other dads.

I hope by now that you know that I admire the work that National Center for Fathering.  I’ve contributed articles to them for a couple decades.  It’s Good To Be The Dad is an “official blog” of NCF and gets a lot of exposure thanks to them.  I believe whole-heartedly in what they do.  

• Please, visit the Fathers.com website and find out more about their great resources.  
• Please, LIKE their Facebook page.  
• Please, sign up for their weekly email where once a week, Carey Casey, NCF’s dynamic CEO writes a blog that will inspire, equip, and maybe even entertain you.  Don’t miss it.

Now finally, if perchance I ruffled your feathers with Chris Rock, let me soothe them with this superb video from the good folks at Volkswagen.

Go Dad, GO!  It’s good to be the dad.

Clark H Smith

"I'm Telling You For The Last Time..."

Traveling cross-country, we rolled into a Holiday Inn “Holidome” on an endless stretch of interstate somewhere in Kentucky.  I’m sure Holidomes seemed like a good idea when the genius marketing guys first came up with it.  “The entire family can play, refresh, and relax in an indoor pool playground just feet from their hotel room.”

In reality, the cavernous pool enclosure in an echo chamber magnifying the sound of eight year olds squealing for hours on end while weary travelers try desperately to get just enough sleep to not be road hazards behind the wheel the next morning.  Not one of America’s better ideas.

Nonetheless, around 8pm, I accompanied our three oldest young boys to pool.  The boys played enthusiastically while I urged them repeatedly to not make whole lot of noise.  Finally, I called the boys over to me and began a Socratic dialogue that went something like this.

Me: Hey guys, I want to talk to you about why I’m asking you to keep from getting too loud.  Look around.  Tell me, where we are? Boys: In a hotel, Dad. (Duh! is implied here.)
Me: And who is in all these rooms?
Boys: (incredulously) People.
Me: That’s right. Do they live here?
Boys: No. They drove here like us.
Me: And what will they do tomorrow?
Boys: Drive some more.
Me: And they are not out here in the pool playing, so what are they doing in their rooms?
Boys: Sleeping?
Me: Yes, sleeping or just trying to relax after driving all day and before driving a lot more tomorrow.  And that’s why, I want you to play as hard as you want, but just don’t yell out, because, if it was me inside one of those rooms (and oh, I desperately wish I were right now), the noise from the pool would make it hard to rest.

Now, here’s the rest of the story.  In Kentucky, all hotel pools are required to have a lifeguard on duty whenever the pool is open.  Even though we were the only family in the pool that evening, the lifeguard dutifully looked after our souls.  The lifeguard also clearly heard my entire discussion with the boys.  When the boys went back to splashing around, the lifeguard said to me, “I’ve never heard anyone explain that before.”

That’s a sad truth.  As parents, we get caught up in the moment and trying to herd cats… I mean children by barking instructions or commands.  I frequently talk about doing the “heavy lifting” of being a dad.  This is exactly what I mean.  Sometimes, it takes a whole lot more work to explain a principle than simply command a practice.  

Telling a child what to do is a lot like “giving a man a fish” – it only lasts for the moment.  When my kids are outside the considerable range of my voice, I still want them to be good citizens who are in the habit of regarding the well-being of others.  To do that, I have to shape their conscience more than guide their feet and guard the tongues.

I want to add one more scene to this story, the last one I’ll post before Mother’s Day this year.  While I did the “heavy lifting” of splashing in a pool with three boys, my dear wife tended to our one-year old with croup.  She’d alternate between holding him in front of the air conditioner blast and standing in a steamy shower with him.  She did this for hours until both mother and child fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Mommas never grow weary
of napping with da bubbas.

Dads, every day is Mother’s Day.  When it comes to sacrificially nurturing children, my experience is that a sane and healthy mother will do more in a single day than most dads do in a week… maybe more like a month.  

Do some real heavy lifting this week.  Have your own Socratic seminar with your children about how precious Mom is and brainstorm ways to truly celebrate her.  Teaching your children to honor their mother is the greatest thing a dad can do.  That’s why… It’s Good To Be The Dad.  

Clark H Smith

Thou Shalt Not Covet

“Don’t make Craig C___ your god.”  My dear mother would often wash me with those words as I left for high school in the morning.

Craig was BMOC.  He was charismatic, a gifted actor, musician, artist, and handsome as the day is long.  If you were proto-typing the perfect American male, you’d start with Craig and not tweak much.  Even two and three years after moving to this new town, I still felt like an outsider and I was happy to have a friend like Craig.  We played sports together, performed in band together, and performed in plays together.  It was a happy friendship.

But Craig was from “a broken home” (as we said in the 70s) and my folks could see that his world lacked discipline and boundaries.  My parents’ strategy was to minimize contact with “unsavory” characters and influences.  I’ve learned not to judge my mother’s protective instincts, but I do often think she went about it the wrong way.

After high school graduation, I went off to college and a career.  Craig headed for the spotlight.  He recorded music in Nashville, he acted in Hollywood, he created some marvelous bronze sculptures.  But as we bumped into each other just a couple times over the following forty years, Craig opened my eyes to an astounding realization.  In high school, he looked up to me.  As adults, in spite of the apparent glamour of his life, it was my marriage and family that he valued.  I understand that he currently spends most of his days alone, golfing a little bit with the boys down at the club in rural Texas.

Every human has a “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” chip – we are hard wired to compare and wish we had what other have.  A three year old sees another child with an ice cream cone and immediately wants one no matter if it’s breakfast or bedtime.  As children get older, the kids with trampolines and swimming pools are the envy of their peers.  As teens, the kids who get to go on skiing vacations are “the lucky ones”.

When my sons wished they had what their friends had, I tried to not buy into the coveting cycle with them.  I’ve tried to use “I wish” moments as an opportunity to bless other people’s good fortune and hard work, but also to teach some economics.  “Son, I’d love to take the family skiing for a week, also.  Sounds like a ton of fun.  You know I work hard, but on our family’s income, we’d have to give up one of our cars to afford a trip like that.  Think of all we do in our cars.”

When my kids point out the excellence in their peers and think out loud how nice it must be to be so talented or athletic, I use it as an opportunity to point out the hard work and persistence it takes excel at anything.  I also point out my child’s natural talents and I’ll say things like, “I know being able to do what (talented kid) does is great, but we’re all made different and I’m proud of your ability to (talent).”

And always thinking of Craig, there’s one more thing I’ve done throughout my children’s lives.  I’ve flung the front door wide open and invited their friends to be part of our family.  Not just come over and play, but to eat a meal with us, to sit and talk with my wife and me.  I’m not the perfect father, but if any of these kids need a father or a respectable father-figure, I intend to make sure they know that I’m there for them as well as my own sons.  I know already it has made a difference in several lives.

I never met Craig’s dad, but I knew of him and if you lived in the 60s or 70s you’ve seen his work.  He worked for NASA in Houston designing logo artwork for each Apollo mission.  Isn’t it ironic that the thing Craig could tell us about his dad was how he was sort of famous for things he did for other people.  None of you have ever heard of my dad, but he made my house a home.  In essence, my mother was right.  I should never set anyone or thing on a pedestal.  But mom’s righteousness lacked wisdom.  My world was filled with people who needed to believe again in a stable home where husband and wife loved each other and their kids.

I love being a dad.  It’s Good To Be The Dad!  And it is better, still, to share my love with those talented stars of tomorrow who just need to feel a father’s embrace today.

Clark H Smith

Dad's One Task, Do It Well

In time, I learned my kids
would let me pay them to
work around the house.
Great arrangement!

Today, I’m sharing what may be my low point as a father.  I write this with sadness and humiliation.  I hope some dads will "learn on my nickel" and do things very different.

Our first house had "problems".  It seems the foundation was affected by gravity, but the frame of the house was not.  They were growing apart.  Among several issues to address was the sinking floor beneath the alcove where the laundry machines sat.  I decided to add a new layer of concrete, raising the level of the floor back up close to where it had been five years earlier.

Saturday morning came, I put on my cruddiest clothes, filled the wheelbarrow with cement and water, and rolled it up into the garage just steps away from the laundry area.  I only had three feet of "no cement" zone between the garage door and the laundry.  The inevitable happened, plops of cement leaped out of the shovel and onto the tiled floor.  No worry, I’ll clean up later.

During this whole endeavor, my second son, then about 5 years old, was watching me in full ADHD mode.  I wanted to make this a quick and easy job, so I parked him on the steps to watch me work.

Suddenly, the "sit here" chip in his head broke.  He jumped up and streaked across my construction zone, scattering concrete widely including onto the new carpet in the family room where he was headed.  I shrieked, "Damn it, Noah!!"

That may have been the one time in over a quarter century of raising kids that I cursed in front of them, let alone at them.  I was mortified as soon as the words came out of my mouth.  I talked with my son, now 25, about this scene just the other day.  He doesn’t remember it.  For me, it was so recent the concrete has yet to dry.

What did I do wrong?  Well, yes, I cursed at one of my children.  Horrible.  I hope none of my readers ever do that.  But I think the larger problem is that I forgot my REAL task that day.

Dads, whether you are selling widgets, making gadgets, or fixing a hole in the Money Pit, YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN WELL.  That’s it.  Everything else is a distant second.  When I got up that Saturday morning, I failed to include my son in my work.  Yes, it would have taken longer and it may not turned out quite as well, but would you (would I!) rather have a confrontation with a child or a bonding moment?  I blew it – badly.

Over the years, probably sparked from this event, I’ve made a much larger point of including my kids in my work, both in my professional work and around the house.  Sometimes it takes some extra planning, but the results are so well worth it.  In America, April 26 (2012) is Take Your Child To Work Day.  I think organizing this nationally is silly and misses the point entirely.  EVERY DAY is Include Your Child In Your Work Day.

Dads, learn from me.  Slow down.  Review your job description.  Raise your children well.

Clark H Smith

Guard Your Heart, My Child

...but oh, what beautiful hair I had
(then)

#Challenge: Having “romantic” relationships is a natural part of growing up.  And maybe just as important, is learning how to deal with breakups – the rejection, hurt feelings, and sadness that follows the demise of puppy love gone wrong.  For dads, we have a responsibility to help our sons and daughters keep these youthful relationships in perspective.  Not so easy a task.

#HeadGear: While in high school, I met a girl at church camp who lived in a distant town.  We fell in like with each other.  Over the following year, I managed to go see her a couple times.  I enjoyed her family and we always had a lot of fun.  On one occasion, this friend presented me with one of the most special gifts I’ve ever received – a song she’d written and dedicated to me.  She accompanied herself on guitar as she sang the hook line: “You do mean more to me than anything I know.”  Wow!  I was 16 and I had a song written by a girl just to honor her love for me.  Go ahead, top that!

Flash forward… A year later, another church camp, another girlfriend, another chapter in life’s long book.  I lost touch with my friend after that.  Fifteen years later, when my father was hospitalized after a terminal stroke, I found out that this dear old friend worked in the same hospital.  We talked briefly on the phone, but it was not a good time to catch up.  Through the wonders of the internet, I found her again a couple years ago – now almost 40 years later.  We chatted on the phone about fleeting memories.  I asked if she remembered the song she’d written for me.  “Oh gosh, Clark, I’ve written so many songs over the years, I didn’t even know I’d written one for you.  But I do remember your shampoo.  You used Prell.  I still think of you every time I smell Prell shampoo.”

Ever had your emotional fingers slammed in the car door of a long dead relationship?  OUCH!  All this time I thought I was “song boy”, but in reality I was more memorable to her for the flavor of shampoo I used.  THAT’S what I mean by keeping things in perspective.

#ManUp: Around that time in high school, I promulgated the Incontrovertible Rule of Relationships – you either break up or get married.  Take some time and think about it.  It’s completely true.  I tell that to my boys all the time, especially when they don’t want to hear it.  Then I tell them the IRR again just after they break up.  I’m a stinker like that.

But seriously, dads, your wife is going to bandage a wounded heart and assure your child that “there is someone better out there waiting for them”.  Maybe so, I don’t like predicting the future.  As dads, I think our job is to keep our children grounded.  They need to hear from us that non-marital relationships are just that, relationships with other people we’re not married to.  

Especially for teenagers, we need to encourage social dating (groups) and throw up as many road blocks to one-on-one dating as we can without setting something on fire.  I’ve watched too many pair-bonded BFs + GFs spend one or two of the most valuable years of their lives scrambled up in doe-eyed love with each other and miss out on the social development that is supposed to happen in the teen years.

I think dating-with-marriage-in-mind is great once people hit their mid-20s.  Until then, an awful lot of energy is spent investing in relationships that have a short shelf life.  Our teen children need to expand their horizons, not contract them.  Dads, we have to lead in that process.

IRR: You either break up or get married.

IRR (addendum): The shampoo you use is going to be a stronger memory than your “love”.

Clark H Smith

A Big Dose Of Cat’s In The Cradle

Dads, now that we've gotten to know each other, I’m going to drop a big fat neutron bomb on you today.  Are you ready for some RealityBall?

In Championship Fathering, Carey Casey mentions an interesting study…

The Swiss government tracked families, following church attendance by fathers and mothers as well as their children’s attendance later in life. The study found that no matter how faithfully a mother attended church—regularly or occasionally—there was only a 2 percent chance of her children regularly attending church as adults if the father had not attended as well.  Amazingly, if the father went to church—regardless of how much Mom did—the likelihood of the child attending church as a grown-up increased to 60 to 75 percent!

Read that over a couple times.  Let it sink in.  Let it wash over you like a wave of radiation tweaking every fiber of consciousness in your body.

In the professional world, you’re not supposed to take a study on church attendance and apply it, oh say, to going fishing or attitudes towards women or financial wisdom.  But in the real world, this study tells it like it is – what dad does has a PROFOUND influence on the children.  I love my mother deeply AND I agree that what my dad believed in, stood for, and did on a consistent basis has had a much stronger influence on my life than my mom’s actions. 

Dad, are you ready to own this?  Do you realize your powerful influence over the destiny of your children?  This is a big dose of Cat’s In The Cradle, isn’t it.

But I’m not playing this up to dramatically lay a guilt trip on you.  I want to encourage you and I want you to celebrate your unrivaled influence on your child.  Your children are watching your every step… and they’re following you!

If you think your political views are important and relevant, tell your children about them.  And explain how you arrived at your position and how your views can shape a better world for your children.  Kids as young as 10 need to start learning how you see your socio-political world.

If you’ve learned some financial wisdom – either for the long term or short term – share those nuggets with your kids.  Explain to them when you’ve been financially distressed (and we all have) and what you’re doing to keep your finances in “a happy place”.  Give them tools (like a budget) to help them manage their allowance or part-time job income.

What are your views on the social issues of the day?  Have you had a thoughtful conversation with your kids about the Occupy Movement, the Tea Party, or the claims of “global climate change”?  Great topics for dads to discuss and shape your child’s thinking.

What about younger kids?  Dads, can you influence them, too?  How about end the evening by saying, “Let’s spend a few minutes together cleaning up your room”.  On Saturday morning, ask your elementary-age child, “Who can we help today?” or “What can we do to cheer someone up today?”  Have some suggestions ready, but allow them to brainstorm.  Focus on people readily known to your child.  Bring them in on the practical steps of expressing the value of helping others.

I’ve been very serious about being a better dad for a long time.  I’m committed to the heavy lifting it takes to be a positive and dynamic force in my children’s lives.  Still, when I first heard of the “Swiss Church Study”, it rattled my cage – evoking an even greater sense of urgency and consistency from me.  I’d love to know what it does for you.  #SoundOff on the IGTBTD Facebook page.

Clark H Smith

You Can’t Top That

Some of you old billy goats may remember basketball player, Bill Russell.  Here’s an abbreviated list of his accomplishments.

NBA Champion - 11 times
NCAA Champion – 2 times
Olympic Games - Gold medalist
NBA Most Valuable Player - 5 times
NBA All-Star - 12 times
NBA All-Star Game MVP
NCAA Most Outstanding Player

How would you like that hardware sitting on your mantel?  I would say that at 78, Bill Russell has had a long, successful, and celebrated life.  If anything could top all that, it might be that, in 2011, he was presented with the highest civilian honor this nation can bestow – the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

CBS golf analyst, David Faherty, has an amusing show on the Golf Channel.  On March 5, 2012, Faherty interviewed Bill Russell.  All you dads should note this question and answer:

DF:  You received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama and someone asked you “was that the greatest honor of your life?”  And you had an interesting answer.

BR:  I said “no”, it was a close second, though.  [The questioner] says, “close second?”  I said “no”.  I said “when he was about 75 or 76, my father, my father said to me one day, ‘You know, I‘m proud of you.  I’m proud you’re my son.  And I’m also just as proud that I’m your father.’”  This is coming from my hero.  You can’t top that.

A week before Faherty interviewed Russell, I wrote a blog post here at IGTBTD with the following wisdom for dads:

I’ve also learned to actually tell my children, “I’m proud of you.”  I seriously could care less if they win or lose.  My pride is anchored in their effort and character.

I encourage all you dads to focus on your child’s developing character and celebrate how they are growing.  I don’t think it will take much work to take the focus off of achievement, but it is very important to do so.  Talk to your children about their attitudes, their poise-under-pressure, their sense of delaying gratification, the quality of their friends, their thrift, their hard work, their punctuality… whatever is appropriate.  Keep the spotlight on the way they are maturing as happy people and contributors to their world – and you can do this at any age.

Bill Russell is a spectacular exception to life on earth.  He’s tall as a tree, he’s athletically gifted, he took advantage of rare opportunities, he stayed healthy, and he has garnered celebrity and wealth. 

Then again, he’s just exactly like you and me.  He just wants to hear from his father, “I’m proud of you.”

No, you can’t top that.

Clark  H Smith

A “Guilty” Conscience

#Challenge: Dads, what do you do when your child has done something wrong, but they won’t admit it?  In reality, they’re doing two things wrong – the deed itself and the attempted cover up.  For me, the frustration builds exponentially.  How about a proactive approach?

#HeadGear:  Let’s play “Ripped From Today’s Headline”.  Season 11 of American Idol is upon us.  One standout, in the top 12, is Jermaine Jones.  I should say “was Jermaine Jones”.  As of today, he’s off the show.  He was arrested twice in 2011 and has outstanding warrants.  It also appears that Jones lied about his father abandoning him a decade ago.  Sources close to the family report that Jones sees his dad regularly. 

So here’s the question.  If you had outstanding arrest warrants would you appear on television’s MOST WATCHED SHOW?  Honestly, I’m thinking this guy is too stupid to be an “Idol”.  But let’s not miss the big point here – it is human nature to do wrong and then to try to hide it or deny it. 

I once had a crime scene at my house.  Some unauthorized individual was setting the thermostat cooler in the midst of a sweltering South Carolina summer.  I called all the short people in my house together, explained the situation and offered leniency if the perp would cop to his crime.  No takers.  So, I scraped a few shavings of pencil lead, got a kid’s color-by-number paint brush, and dabbed the shavings on the thermostat.  To my surprise, I actually, sort of, got a finger print.  I took tape and transferred the print to a white piece of paper.

All the while, three of the four boys had gone back to chasing lizards.  Only one set of eyes watched me as I did my CSI maneuvers.  I looked intensely at the finger print (smudgy and unintelligible, as it was).  I looked up and intuitively said to the one child hovering around me, “These are your prints.”  He burst into tears and a humble confession.  His attempt to lie about his misdemeanor only doubled his trouble.  Still, it was simply human nature alive and well inside him – thinking that truth is only true when has been proven beyond  a shadow of a doubt.

I’ve said to my kids many, many times, “You are innocent until you do something wrong.”  Proof of innocence or guilt is fine for the criminal justice system, but as dads, we have to teach our children that Truth is always true – whether you are found out or not.

#ManUp:  How do we teach our children to be accountable for their actions when every fiber of their body is wired to deny until caught?  I’ve tried to invest a lot of time in teaching my children about their conscience.  There’s no such thing as a “guilty” conscience.  The conscience tells the truth and acts as an internal judge of sorts, declaring innocence or guilt depending.  Remember Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio?  His title was “Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right & Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, Gide Along the Straight & Narrow Path”.  That’s a good way of describing the conscience.  And when we stray off the path, our conscience “prosecutes” (as a counselor-at-law) until we do the right thing and make amends for our misdeeds.

Besides ensuring that my children know how to listen to their conscience, I try to:

- As appropriate, admit my own shortcomings to my family and apologize for falling short.

- Mitigate punishment for quick confessions.

- Use third person examples of “never getting away with a crime”.

- Remind my children that the family is a place of love.  Love is why we do good to one another and misdeeds weaken the contribution we all make to the fabric of love in the family.

- Reward my children for honesty and consistency.  When I give permission to my kids to do something, I almost always remind them that the permissions I grant are based on the whole of their past performance.  If I can trust my kids, they get (almost) all the permission they seek.

Someone who thinks they can get away with a crime – or a thermometer reset – is a person who is not yet ready to contribute to the family or the larger society.  I hope Mr. Jones get’s his real life act together and can be an example to others of how to overcome your misdeeds.  Until then, he’s just an example of “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”  Busted.

#SoundOff:  Dads, do you struggle with your kids’ truth-telling and owning up to bad behavior?  I’d love to hear what you do to deal with this age-old human condition.  Sound off at the IGTBTD Facebook page (and be sure to Like us!).

Clark H Smith