Disciplining the "Big Deal"

As a young child and into my teen years, when my brother and I fought, my mom would often intervene by saying, “You’re just trying to hurt me.”

Of course, now I see that attempted guilt trip for what it was, but even as a youngster I was perplexed by her being so far off base.  I fought with my brother because I thought he was a dork or he had something I wanted.  How my mother felt about it was my last concern.

Fast forward.  I’m now a parent of four boys ranging in age from 27 to 17.  Sibling rivalries have given way to friendship and support.  Thank you, Lord!  But even when they fought as children I never dropped a guilt bomb on them.

Recently, one of my sons did something he shouldn’t have.  It was a big deal.  It wounded my trust and a bond I felt we had built.  As we debriefed his transgression and I thought about how to mete out consequences for what he did, something inside of me kept saying, “Whatever you do, don’t let your son’s actions break the relationship you have with him.”  I actually verbalized to him, “I’m not going to let this become a problem between you and me.”

I was kind of stunned by that recommendation from my inner voice.  I’m not sure I’d heard it before.  But I certainly felt there was a lot of wisdom in it.  Although I felt personally injured as a parent, I was looking out over the decades to come and I realized that I didn’t want his foolishness to blow up the bridge that linked us.

Hearing this wisdom, I approached my son’s “punishment” differently.  He lost some privileges for a while, but the larger consequence was that my wife and I put in place some accountability measures.  The punishment was actually a path for rebuilding trust.  Instead of screaming “I’m mad at you,” we pleaded, “Treasure the trust your parents place in you.”  Accordingly, the consequences actually became a closer bond and connection.  Pretty amazing.  Thank you, inner voice.

Now obviously we’re not talking about sibling fights in this instance.  Petty crimes are often best solved by immediate disciplinary action, but when you face a “big deal” with an older child, I hope you’ll heed your inner voice when it urges you to be patient, be thoughtful, and do what it takes to make your relationship with your child stronger.

Clark H Smith

If you would like to consider the spiritual implications of this situations, please visit my Follow Illustrated blog and read "For My Own Sake".