Are you ready for
some “super” football? I’ll be watching
this Sunday to see if New England establishes itself as a dynasty or if “Peyton’s
Little Brother” improbably moves into the family lead of Super Bowl wins. But I have to tell you, I’m just a tad nervous
about all the stuff that’s packed around the game. Anyone remember 2004 and a certain half-time show
“mishap”? “Wardrobe malfunction” gets
millions of search results – it’s almost everyday language now.
And the ads that pay
for our gridiron gala are almost universally designed to offend what I think
are reasonable standards of decency. I
firmly believe if they even thought they could get away with it, GoDaddy.com would
broadcast strippers on a pole at every commercial break. (
Please don’t think I
represent the Prude Police. I’m not
trying to legislate morality for the rest of the world, but I am responsible
for the moral development of my children.
And even though, in time, they‘ll take ownership of their values, I have
to begin the training of their hearts and minds in my home.
My view is that sex is a wondrously glorious thing AND
I think it is a wondrously private thing between a husband and wife*. Football is a spectator sport. Intimacy, by the very definition of it, is
not. Each year, many (most?) Super Bowl commercials gen up raw lust to push their wares. Somehow, in the midst of this hormone
carnival, I want to help my children (I have four boys) understand that a) they are being manipulated, and b) the whims of the world should not
form their view of women or of marital intimacy.
If, to a greater or
lesser degree, you share my concerns, here are some approaches to dealing with
all the nonsense coming our way.
First, you know it’s
coming. Ad agencies have been perfecting
their message for months; why don’t you spend some time getting your message
across? What do you believe and what
have you taught your children about sex and gender relations in general? Repeat and reinforce that message before the Big Game. By the way, my friend at National Center for Fathering / Father.com have put together a set of articles that will be a big help in this area.
I tell my sons, “That’s not your wife. That is someone else’s wife (or potentially
so). I do not want someone else having
sexual feelings for my wife.
Accordingly, I should not have sexual feelings for someone other than my
wife.”
A conversation with daughters
would go along the same lines, but I would add this, “Darling, sometimes this
world looks at women merely as sex objects.
I’m sorry for that. I want you to
know that sex with your husband will be a spectacular experience. As for the rest of the world, I don’t want
anyone else to think about you sexually.
I really don’t like commercials that portray females simply as objects
of sexual desire.” Of course, you’ve got
to scale these conversations up or down depending on age.
I know a lot of dads may get queasy with such
frank talk, but let me ask you a question, if you’re not talking to your kids about
sex, where are they going to get their information? GoDaddy?
That brings me to my
second point – your children are expecting you to talk to them. How do I know? Let me paint a picture for you. You and your child are together; you may be
in the living room, you may be in the hardware store. Something happens; a word is spoken, a
gesture is made, something out of character.
What happens? I call it the “corner
of the eye” experience. Out of the
corner of your eye you see that your
child is watching you out of the corner of their
eye. They are checking on you, they are
measuring you to see how you are going to respond to what just happened. With their little eyes they are asking you, “Can
I use that word? Can I make that
gesture? Can I cop that attitude? Can I dress that way? Can I stare at girls/boys that are dressed
that way?”
You, dad, are the gatekeeper of
your child’s heart and mind.
Stand guard! What are you going
to let pass through that gate and into their lives shaping them forever? Do you want your daughter thinking that unless
she wiggles her tush like that, she’ll never find
love? Do you want your son expecting all he
needs to do is use the right body spay and four girls will fight to make love
to him? Hmmm?
Here’s a simple
truth. What one generation doesn’t take
a stand against, the next generation will take a stand with. Dad’s, man the gate!! The values that your child will embrace –
either yours or GoDaddy’s – will be decided this Sunday… and every other day of
their young lives. Do your duty.
Clark H Smith
*This perspective of
sex-in-the-context-of-marriage is informed by my faith and my traditions. Not everyone comes with the same approach and I know the idea of marriage is being tested right now. I can tell you that extensive scholarly
research and my work with numerous couples through the years confirm that the best place for sex is inside marriages. If you'd like to talk about it, I promise you a gracious dialogue - send me an email.
