The “AND” Problem

A college professor stunned me when he made me realize, “Only in America (any first world country) do we brag about food products with NO nutritional value.”  He illustrated with diet sodas with zero calories.  Food is how we get calories (fuel) into our bodies.  But we have such a wealth of nutritional food available to us, we have problems with EXCESS calories (stored as fat).  Residents of third world countries, who battle starvation daily, do not think our Zero Calorie accomplishment to be noteworthy.  But still, that’s our way of life.  Note this commercial for Coke Zero:

It’s not enough to have an ice cream cone, the boy wants ice cream AND sprinkles.  It’s not enough to have a pet dog, he wants a dog AND tricks.  It’s not enough to have a job, he wants a job AND extra benefits.  It’s not enough to have an attractive girl pay you a compliment, he wants a complimenting girl AND unaccountable sex.  It’s not enough to have a food product with no nutritional value, he wants it to taste like sprinkles/tricks/benefits/sex, too!

But, in reality, the “AND” problem is not the problem of having one thing and then wanting more, the “AND” is wanting two things that are in tension with one another.

Every dad feels the tension of the “and” problem.  I recently wrote about a son’s misdeeds and how I felt challenged to deal with them.  I could have easily punished him according to his wrong-doing.  OR I could have just have easily demonstrated unconditional acceptance of him and let the violation pass.  The problem arose because I wanted to express my love for my son AND deal with his violation of my rules.  That’s a good way beyond ice cream AND sprinkles.

Even our American “Pledge of Allegiance” wrestles with then tension between “Liberty AND Justice for all”.  If we all had liberty, I could take your possessions, lie to you on a contract, and generally be a bad character.  In other times, and currently other cultures, thieves “justly” had their hands cut off for possession-taking.  Allowing all citizens liberty AND protecting the values of justice creates a tension that is still not well resolved in our country.

It’s Christmas time and the Christmas story has its own AND tension:

And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. (Matthew 1:19)

Joseph was impaled upon the horns of a Liberty and Justice dilemma – or better, a Love and Law dilemma.  He loved Mary, but there was this problem of her being pregnant… and not by him!  Law required punishment.  Love required forgiveness.  Fortunately, according to the Christmas story, the problem resolves itself when it is revealed that Mary is pregnant miraculously.  But that doesn’t diminish the tension that Joseph felt.

Dads, how do you handle to tension of Liberty and Justice, of Love and Law?  Let me remind you, this is not an older teen, young adult problem.  By the time children are three or four years old, and certainly by the time they are in early elementary school, their notions of right and wrong, acceptance and rejection are being firmly shaped.  They are watching you to see if one ideal matters more – Liberty or Justice.  We do well to find a balance and sooner than later.

When my niece was still quite young, her parents approached her discipline with a unique spin.  When she offended the laws of the home and was disciplined or punished, she could not seek sympathy or consolation from anyone other than the parent who had chastised her.  That is a remarkable practice!  It taught her that reconciliation is also an ideal of the home and it reinforced that a parent who would discipline is also (AND) a parent who loves.  A great idea to put into effect in your home!

When there is a violation of home rules, I also suggest that a parent take the time to explain the wisdom of the rule.  This puts the parent in the position of making wise rules and it teaches the child to seek the wisdom of rules outside the home.  There’s a reason we have STOP signs where streets intersect; it’s not to limit your freedom, it's to protect your life!

Dad, finding a balance between Liberty and Justice, Law and Love is definitely in the category of “heavy lifting”.  It’s not easy to find balance and it is not always easy to explain your balance to your child.  But trust me on this, your child is going to wrestle on their own with Liberty and Justice.  Why not start helping them now by setting a good example?

Clark H Smith

Learning to Be A Better Dad

I recently posted some musings about “a parent’s final grade”. One of my son’s actually read the post and agreed that a lot of the grade is based on what the child takes from his youth into adulthood.  And we talked about a significant example…

Our four boys came in “sets of two”.  Isaac and Noah were born in 1985 and 1987.  Joshua and Gideon came along in 1993 and 1995.  A lot of our family and parenting experiences were formed by the two sets of brothers sharing similar experiences at close to the same time.

When the oldest two brothers began to drive, I realized I had failed miserably in helping them understand their physical world.  Let’s say they were “cartographically challenged” – they did not excel at map skills.  The stories of getting lost are still favorite bits of family chatter.

Beautiful, orderly Johnson County, Kansas

Nonetheless, when Joshua and Gideon came along, I determined that they would know their compass points and town layout like the back of their own hands.  We’re fortunate that the layout of our home turf is based on basic survey designations of township and range lines.  All our major thoroughfares run true north & south / east & west and are a mile apart.

I printed out maps for each son, a simple grid, and labeled only one north-south street and one east-west street.  Then the fun began.  When they were elementary age, I had Friday afternoons off from work while my wife was at work.  Field trip!  As we drove around town sampling ice cream, looking at gun stores, or playing in parks, I’d have the kids pay attention to where they were and what they saw. 

“Look guys, we’re one mile east of Quivira.  What’s this big street we’re coming up to?”  And the boys would scribble “Switzer” on their map cards.  I’d have them mark the location of church, the swimming pool, and of course, the ice cream store.  It was complete fun (they had no idea how much they were learning!).

Pretty soon, I started having the boys calculate distances to our destination without their maps.  Major streets on our grid are exactly a mile apart, so estimations were pretty easy.  Developing this kind of command of their (local) world has given the boys tremendous confidence to travel about.  I dare say I use a GPS more than they do!  And neither Joshua or Gideon ever get lost (ruining prospects of more dinner table teasing).

What started out as play has become an empowering experience for my (younger two) sons.  The whole “map skills” topic also reminds me how much I didn’t know about being a dad when I started out.  I learned and matured a lot through parenting Isaac and Noah.  I wish I had been more equipped. 

And that’s the point of this blog isn’t it?  I’m sharing some ideas and encouragement that might help young dads start faster than I did.  I’m honored to be an “Official Blog” of the National Center for Fathering.  My friends at NCF are doing a terrific job to help dads at all stations of life be even better dads.  Please check out Fathers.com website and friend them up on Facebook.  You, and the people you influence, will be better dads for it.

Pssst… and it also helps a ton when you SHARE one of my IGTBTD posts on Facebook.  Just a hint.

Clark H Smith