It’s not enough to have an ice cream cone, the boy wants ice
cream AND sprinkles. It’s not
enough to have a pet dog, he wants a dog AND tricks. It’s not enough to have a job, he wants a job
AND
extra benefits. It’s not enough to have
an attractive girl pay you a compliment, he wants a complimenting girl AND
unaccountable sex. It’s not enough to
have a food product with no nutritional value, he wants it to taste like
sprinkles/tricks/benefits/sex, too!
But, in reality, the “AND” problem is not the problem of
having one thing and then wanting more, the “AND” is wanting two things that are in tension with one another.
Every dad feels the tension of the “and” problem. I
recently wrote about a son’s misdeeds and how I felt challenged to deal with them.
I could have easily punished him according to his wrong-doing. OR I could have just have easily demonstrated
unconditional acceptance of him and let the violation pass. The problem arose because I wanted to express
my love for my son AND deal with his violation of my rules. That’s a good way beyond ice cream AND
sprinkles.
Even our American “Pledge of Allegiance” wrestles with then
tension between “Liberty AND Justice
for all”. If we all had liberty, I could
take your possessions, lie to you on a contract, and generally be a bad
character. In other times, and currently
other cultures, thieves “justly” had their hands cut off for possession-taking. Allowing all citizens liberty AND
protecting the values of justice creates a tension that is still not well resolved
in our country.
It’s Christmas time and the Christmas story has its own AND
tension:
And Joseph her husband, being a
righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away
secretly. (Matthew 1:19)
Joseph was impaled upon the horns of a Liberty and
Justice dilemma – or better, a Love and Law dilemma. He loved Mary, but there was this problem of
her being pregnant… and not by him! Law required punishment. Love required forgiveness. Fortunately, according to the Christmas story, the problem resolves
itself when it is revealed that Mary is pregnant miraculously. But that doesn’t diminish the tension that
Joseph felt.
Dads, how do you handle to tension of Liberty and
Justice, of Love and Law? Let me remind
you, this is not an older teen, young adult problem. By the time children are three or four years
old, and certainly by the time they are in early elementary school, their
notions of right and wrong, acceptance and rejection are being firmly
shaped. They are watching you to see if
one ideal matters more – Liberty or Justice.
We do well to find a balance and sooner than later.
When my niece was still quite young, her parents approached
her discipline with a unique spin. When
she offended the laws of the home and was disciplined or punished, she could
not seek sympathy or consolation from anyone other than the parent who had chastised
her. That is a remarkable practice! It taught her that reconciliation is also an
ideal of the home and it reinforced that a parent who would discipline is also (AND) a parent who loves. A great idea to put
into effect in your home!
When there is a violation of home rules, I also suggest that
a parent take the time to explain the wisdom of the rule. This puts the parent in the position of
making wise rules and it teaches the child to seek the wisdom of rules outside
the home. There’s a reason we have STOP
signs where streets intersect; it’s not to limit your freedom, it's to protect your life!
Dad, finding a balance between Liberty and Justice, Law and
Love is definitely in the category of “heavy lifting”. It’s not easy to find balance and it is not
always easy to explain your balance to your child. But trust me on this, your child is going to
wrestle on their own with Liberty and Justice.
Why not start helping them now by setting a good example?
Clark H Smith
