10s Get 10s

We have a saying around our house, “10s get 10s”. It’s not a law of the universe, more like a proverb (which simply means something proves to be true often enough that you can generally rely on it). Think of the clichéd high school romance – the football quarterback and the cheerleader. It’s a cliché because it happens often enough in reality that we understand what it’s telling us… “10s get 10s”.

This all started when I showed my boys this three minute snippet from a Discovery Channel show, The Science of Sex Appeal.

I encourage you to watch it and then to share it with your children (probably teens will understand it best).

My point in all this is to stimulate my sons to be 10s. Oh, you’ve see the family photos… “good luck with that”, right?

Fortunately, we’ve evolved a little bit beyond appreciating pure physical attraction. Our mate-seeking preferences extend to consider a person’s work ethic, disposition, and compatibility of interests. The good news is we all can be(come) 10s in many ways other than what the “mirror, mirror on the wall” tells us. And this applies to far more than just pair-bonding.

I recently shared this graph with my youngest son. I call it the “10s get 10s” graph. (You should be

able to click and enlarge it.) The black, bell curve line represents the “application of abilities”. Not many of us are the absolute best on earth at any one thing (raw ability). But we can all make an effort to apply the abilities that we do have.

Whether playing the piano or soccer, bussing tables, or managing a Fortune 500 company, most of us are likely to get better based on the diligence with which we apply our ability. We approach “10ness” by our efforts to get better. The bell curve indicates that most people are satisfied with being a 4, 5, 6, or 7. Moving to the far right side of the curve simply takes more effort than most humans want to give… but I believe that high-value ground is available to more people than will ever go there.

The ascending red line represents the “…get 10s” side of the equation – opportunities and rewards. To go back to our cliché, the quarterback (the one with a 10 on his forehead) tends to attract the attention of the cheerleader (with a 10 on her forehead). Again and fortunately, we’re not all stuck in the mediocre rut our looks and natural abilities afford us. The more we apply our abilities, the more likely (it’s a proverb, remember) we are to experience rewards for our efforts, whether that be relatively higher income, relatively more satisfying relationships, perceived greater esteem, etc.

Dads, this is where YOU come in. I urge you to think about this topic and consider translating it to your children. (I love running errands with my children or taking them to lunch and talking about things just like this.) Examples of “10s get 10s” are all around us and worth using as teaching opportunities with our children.

A youngster picked to be the soccer team captain is probably a child that shows up consistently and works hard at practice – it’s not always the team’s leading scorer. The child selected to assist the teacher on a demonstration is usually one who has paid attention and shown an interest in class. Summer mowing jobs usually go to the neighbor kid who did a good job the first time. And healthy, life-long relationships go, not to star-crossed lovers, but to those who work at love day in and day out.

You can find innumerable examples of “10s get 10s” in your immediate world and explain them to your children. I hope you do. I hope you emphasize that people who work at applying their abilities are the people who tend to experience greater opportunities and rewards for their efforts. Because that’s how life tends to work.

A personal example comes to mind right now that will uniquely illustrate this. I consider myself something of a barbeque aficionado – both producing and consuming it. Years ago, when KC Masterpiece bbq sauce was just hitting the national tongue, I did a taste test with some friends comparing my sauce to Rich Davis’ nasty, molassesey Texas-style sauce (in my humble opinion). ALL of my taste-testers liked mine better. When I made the big reveal, that they had all selected my sauce over the million dollar competitor, one friend looked at me flatly, saying “everybody makes better sauce than KC Masterpiece. Davis just got his out there.”

It’s all true. Rich Davis brewed small batches of his sauce in his home kitchen, bottled it, and went door-to-door, store-to-store, pestering his way onto grocery shelves. He applied his abilities (and mediocre sauce) and became a 10, making millions of dollars along the way.

Me, I still make better sauce, but you’d never know it. I’m working at being a 10 dad, not saucier. What about you?

Clark H Smith

“Am I Doing This Right?”

In my high school’s impoverished library sat a lonely book entitled, (Those Awkward Years) Twixt Twelve and Twenty. What high schooler is ever going to read that book? We were living it!

Turns out Pat Boone recorded the most gosh awful song ever based on that title. But the lyrics… if you can avoid the music… tell an all too true tale.

They say the years
Twixt twelve and twenty
Are the years of
Confusion and doubt

Now, I’m no developmental psychologist although I play one on the internet. In layman’s terms, my wife and I call the “confusion and doubt” phase that kids go through “stinking”. Something happens when kids approach their early teens that turns them inside out, upside down, and makes them uneasy with life in general.

A real developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, described the teen years as the beginning of the Formal Operational Stage. (Big words for “stinking” if you ask me.) Here’s the definition:

Abstract thought emerges during the formal operational stage. Children tend to think very concretely and specifically in earlier stages. Children begin to consider possible outcomes and consequences of actions.

To understand this, let me back up a couple stages. When a child begins to discover that letters represents sounds and begins to write those letters, something interesting happens. The child sees letters p,q,b,d (for example) and notices that all of them are the same shape – a circle with a line on it – and he wonders “What’s the difference?”. Questioning and experimentation are essential for the child to finally anchor the right shape that goes with the right sound. Some kids wrestle with this more than others.

In my mind, the same thing happens in adolescence. Only twixt twelve and twenty, the child is wrestling with abstract ideas of right and wrong, actions and consequences, risk and reward. “Because I said so!” works great with six year olds, not so much with sixteen year olds. THIS IS NOT BECAUSE TEEN YEARS REQUIRE REBELLION. Dad, back off! Your kids are, for the first time in their lives, wrestling with ideas… and they’re not going to get everything right the first time.

I have four boys. Everyone of them have hit the high vertical wall of adolescence and started “stinking”. They gave me attitude for absolutely no reason. They were moody for no reason. They became irresponsible where, in the past, they were very reliable. Hey, they stink!

At these moments, it is very easy for a parent to think, “Ok, this is where the wheels come off the wagon. I’m losing my child.” Take it from me (and my youngest turns 18 in two weeks, I know what I’m talking about), this is not how or when you lose your child! Believe it.

It may help you to put your child’s behavior in context of a question, as if they’re asking the world – “I’ve never been here before. Am I doing this right?”

How do you act when you have “confusion or doubt”. You’re not the loveliest person at that moment, are you? Ever gone through four, five, six, seven years of confusion or doubt? Well, yes you have. You were a stinking teen once, too. Remember? Or do you see your teen years as totally different from what your teen children are putting you through? Maybe you need to have a talk with your mom and dad!

Let me give two strong points of advice and one encouraging word.

Advice #1 – You have to change, too. “Do as I say” is done. Don’t try that again. It will only distance you from your child. In one of my first posts here at It’s Good To Be The Dad, I said something you need to hear again now:

I have never had a bad conversation with a child that begins with “I want to explain why I think this is important.”

If your “house rules” are proper, you – the adult – should be able to explain why. Don’t treat your kid like a kid… he or she is racing toward adulthood and they’re wrestling with ideas, not rules. Meet them where they are!

Advice #2 – Equip your maturing child with effective language and behavior. I have told every one of my sons, “I know you need to pull away, but your job is to be lovely about.” And I went on to give them permission to say, “I disagree with you.” or “I don’t like that decision.” Talk to your children about how people in your workplace disagree, but still manage to be kind to one another. Teach them about the world they are entering.

Encouraging Word – Dad, lean close to the computer screen, I need to tell you something very important. “They. Come. Back.”

I still remember standing in the Olathe (KS) Walmart talking to my friend Craig Jaggard whose son, Jason, was just a couple years older than my oldest son. Craig and I talked about everything I’ve written here. Craig looked at me with mature, wise eyes and said, “Clark, they come back.”

Tears welled up heavily in my eyes at the thought that these little guys, whom I have loved since the moment of their conception, have not forsaken and abandoned me. They’re just finding their own, adult path into a confusing world… just as I had.

In essence… no, in pure reality, I asked Craig, “Am I doing this right?” To this moment, I am blessed by his encouraging wisdom.

Fathers, be good to your children. You can’t tell them where to go, but you can help them find their way, out into the world… and back again.

Clark H Smith