In my high school’s impoverished library sat a lonely book
entitled, (Those Awkward Years) Twixt Twelve and Twenty. What high schooler is
ever going to read that book? We were
living it!
Turns out Pat Boone recorded the most
gosh awful song ever based on that title. But the lyrics… if you can avoid
the music… tell an all too true tale.
They say the years
Twixt twelve and twenty
Are the years of
Confusion and doubt
A real developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, described the teen years as the beginning of the Formal Operational Stage. (Big words for “stinking” if you ask me.) Here’s the definition:
Abstract thought emerges during the formal operational stage. Children tend to think very concretely and specifically in earlier stages. Children begin to consider possible outcomes and consequences of actions.
To understand this, let me back up a couple stages. When a
child begins to discover that letters represents sounds and begins to write
those letters, something interesting happens. The child sees letters p,q,b,d
(for example) and notices that all of them are the same shape – a circle with a
line on it – and he wonders “What’s the difference?”. Questioning and
experimentation are essential for the child to finally anchor the right shape
that goes with the right sound. Some kids wrestle with this more than others.
In my mind, the same thing happens in adolescence. Only
twixt twelve and twenty, the child is wrestling with abstract ideas of right
and wrong, actions and consequences, risk and reward. “Because I said so!”
works great with six year olds, not so much with sixteen year olds. THIS IS NOT
BECAUSE TEEN YEARS REQUIRE REBELLION. Dad, back off! Your kids are, for the
first time in their lives, wrestling with ideas…
and they’re not going to get everything right the first time.
I have four boys. Everyone of them have hit the high
vertical wall of adolescence and started “stinking”. They gave me attitude for
absolutely no reason. They were moody for no reason. They became irresponsible
where, in the past, they were very reliable. Hey, they stink!
At these moments, it is very easy for a parent to think, “Ok,
this is where the wheels come off the wagon. I’m losing my child.” Take it from
me (and my youngest turns 18 in two weeks, I know what I’m talking about), this
is not how or when you lose your child! Believe it.
It may help you to put your child’s behavior in context of a
question, as if they’re asking the world – “I’ve never been here before. Am I doing
this right?”
How do you act when you have “confusion or doubt”. You’re
not the loveliest person at that moment, are you? Ever gone through four, five, six,
seven years of confusion or doubt? Well, yes you have. You were a stinking teen
once, too. Remember? Or do you see your teen years as totally different from
what your teen children are putting you through? Maybe you need to have a talk
with your mom and dad!
Let me give two strong points of advice and one encouraging
word.
Advice #1 – You have
to change, too. “Do as I say” is done. Don’t try that again. It will only
distance you from your child. In one of my
first posts here at It’s Good To Be The Dad, I said something you need to
hear again now:
I have never had a bad conversation with a child that begins with “I want to explain why I think this is important.”
If your “house rules” are proper, you – the adult – should be
able to explain why. Don’t treat your kid like a kid… he or she is racing
toward adulthood and they’re wrestling with ideas, not rules. Meet them where
they are!
Advice #2 – Equip
your maturing child with effective language and behavior. I have told every one
of my sons, “I know you need to pull away, but your job is to be lovely about.”
And I went on to give them permission to say, “I disagree with you.” or “I don’t
like that decision.” Talk to your children about how people in your workplace
disagree, but still manage to be kind to one another. Teach them about the
world they are entering.
Encouraging Word –
Dad, lean close to the computer screen, I need to tell you something very
important. “They. Come. Back.”
I still remember standing in the Olathe (KS) Walmart talking
to my friend Craig Jaggard whose son, Jason, was just a couple years older than
my oldest son. Craig and I talked about everything I’ve written here. Craig
looked at me with mature, wise eyes and said, “Clark, they come back.”
Tears welled up heavily in my eyes at the thought that these
little guys, whom I have loved since the moment of their conception, have not forsaken
and abandoned me. They’re just finding their own, adult path into a confusing
world… just as I had.
In essence… no, in pure reality, I asked Craig, “Am I doing
this right?” To this moment, I am blessed by his encouraging wisdom.
Fathers, be good to your children. You can’t tell them where
to go, but you can help them find their way, out into the world… and back
again.
Clark H Smith
