A Big Dose Of Cat’s In The Cradle

Dads, now that we've gotten to know each other, I’m going to drop a big fat neutron bomb on you today.  Are you ready for some RealityBall?

In Championship Fathering, Carey Casey mentions an interesting study…

The Swiss government tracked families, following church attendance by fathers and mothers as well as their children’s attendance later in life. The study found that no matter how faithfully a mother attended church—regularly or occasionally—there was only a 2 percent chance of her children regularly attending church as adults if the father had not attended as well.  Amazingly, if the father went to church—regardless of how much Mom did—the likelihood of the child attending church as a grown-up increased to 60 to 75 percent!

Read that over a couple times.  Let it sink in.  Let it wash over you like a wave of radiation tweaking every fiber of consciousness in your body.

In the professional world, you’re not supposed to take a study on church attendance and apply it, oh say, to going fishing or attitudes towards women or financial wisdom.  But in the real world, this study tells it like it is – what dad does has a PROFOUND influence on the children.  I love my mother deeply AND I agree that what my dad believed in, stood for, and did on a consistent basis has had a much stronger influence on my life than my mom’s actions. 

Dad, are you ready to own this?  Do you realize your powerful influence over the destiny of your children?  This is a big dose of Cat’s In The Cradle, isn’t it.

But I’m not playing this up to dramatically lay a guilt trip on you.  I want to encourage you and I want you to celebrate your unrivaled influence on your child.  Your children are watching your every step… and they’re following you!

If you think your political views are important and relevant, tell your children about them.  And explain how you arrived at your position and how your views can shape a better world for your children.  Kids as young as 10 need to start learning how you see your socio-political world.

If you’ve learned some financial wisdom – either for the long term or short term – share those nuggets with your kids.  Explain to them when you’ve been financially distressed (and we all have) and what you’re doing to keep your finances in “a happy place”.  Give them tools (like a budget) to help them manage their allowance or part-time job income.

What are your views on the social issues of the day?  Have you had a thoughtful conversation with your kids about the Occupy Movement, the Tea Party, or the claims of “global climate change”?  Great topics for dads to discuss and shape your child’s thinking.

What about younger kids?  Dads, can you influence them, too?  How about end the evening by saying, “Let’s spend a few minutes together cleaning up your room”.  On Saturday morning, ask your elementary-age child, “Who can we help today?” or “What can we do to cheer someone up today?”  Have some suggestions ready, but allow them to brainstorm.  Focus on people readily known to your child.  Bring them in on the practical steps of expressing the value of helping others.

I’ve been very serious about being a better dad for a long time.  I’m committed to the heavy lifting it takes to be a positive and dynamic force in my children’s lives.  Still, when I first heard of the “Swiss Church Study”, it rattled my cage – evoking an even greater sense of urgency and consistency from me.  I’d love to know what it does for you.  #SoundOff on the IGTBTD Facebook page.

Clark H Smith

You Can’t Top That

Some of you old billy goats may remember basketball player, Bill Russell.  Here’s an abbreviated list of his accomplishments.

NBA Champion - 11 times
NCAA Champion – 2 times
Olympic Games - Gold medalist
NBA Most Valuable Player - 5 times
NBA All-Star - 12 times
NBA All-Star Game MVP
NCAA Most Outstanding Player

How would you like that hardware sitting on your mantel?  I would say that at 78, Bill Russell has had a long, successful, and celebrated life.  If anything could top all that, it might be that, in 2011, he was presented with the highest civilian honor this nation can bestow – the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

CBS golf analyst, David Faherty, has an amusing show on the Golf Channel.  On March 5, 2012, Faherty interviewed Bill Russell.  All you dads should note this question and answer:

DF:  You received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama and someone asked you “was that the greatest honor of your life?”  And you had an interesting answer.

BR:  I said “no”, it was a close second, though.  [The questioner] says, “close second?”  I said “no”.  I said “when he was about 75 or 76, my father, my father said to me one day, ‘You know, I‘m proud of you.  I’m proud you’re my son.  And I’m also just as proud that I’m your father.’”  This is coming from my hero.  You can’t top that.

A week before Faherty interviewed Russell, I wrote a blog post here at IGTBTD with the following wisdom for dads:

I’ve also learned to actually tell my children, “I’m proud of you.”  I seriously could care less if they win or lose.  My pride is anchored in their effort and character.

I encourage all you dads to focus on your child’s developing character and celebrate how they are growing.  I don’t think it will take much work to take the focus off of achievement, but it is very important to do so.  Talk to your children about their attitudes, their poise-under-pressure, their sense of delaying gratification, the quality of their friends, their thrift, their hard work, their punctuality… whatever is appropriate.  Keep the spotlight on the way they are maturing as happy people and contributors to their world – and you can do this at any age.

Bill Russell is a spectacular exception to life on earth.  He’s tall as a tree, he’s athletically gifted, he took advantage of rare opportunities, he stayed healthy, and he has garnered celebrity and wealth. 

Then again, he’s just exactly like you and me.  He just wants to hear from his father, “I’m proud of you.”

No, you can’t top that.

Clark  H Smith

A “Guilty” Conscience

#Challenge: Dads, what do you do when your child has done something wrong, but they won’t admit it?  In reality, they’re doing two things wrong – the deed itself and the attempted cover up.  For me, the frustration builds exponentially.  How about a proactive approach?

#HeadGear:  Let’s play “Ripped From Today’s Headline”.  Season 11 of American Idol is upon us.  One standout, in the top 12, is Jermaine Jones.  I should say “was Jermaine Jones”.  As of today, he’s off the show.  He was arrested twice in 2011 and has outstanding warrants.  It also appears that Jones lied about his father abandoning him a decade ago.  Sources close to the family report that Jones sees his dad regularly. 

So here’s the question.  If you had outstanding arrest warrants would you appear on television’s MOST WATCHED SHOW?  Honestly, I’m thinking this guy is too stupid to be an “Idol”.  But let’s not miss the big point here – it is human nature to do wrong and then to try to hide it or deny it. 

I once had a crime scene at my house.  Some unauthorized individual was setting the thermostat cooler in the midst of a sweltering South Carolina summer.  I called all the short people in my house together, explained the situation and offered leniency if the perp would cop to his crime.  No takers.  So, I scraped a few shavings of pencil lead, got a kid’s color-by-number paint brush, and dabbed the shavings on the thermostat.  To my surprise, I actually, sort of, got a finger print.  I took tape and transferred the print to a white piece of paper.

All the while, three of the four boys had gone back to chasing lizards.  Only one set of eyes watched me as I did my CSI maneuvers.  I looked intensely at the finger print (smudgy and unintelligible, as it was).  I looked up and intuitively said to the one child hovering around me, “These are your prints.”  He burst into tears and a humble confession.  His attempt to lie about his misdemeanor only doubled his trouble.  Still, it was simply human nature alive and well inside him – thinking that truth is only true when has been proven beyond  a shadow of a doubt.

I’ve said to my kids many, many times, “You are innocent until you do something wrong.”  Proof of innocence or guilt is fine for the criminal justice system, but as dads, we have to teach our children that Truth is always true – whether you are found out or not.

#ManUp:  How do we teach our children to be accountable for their actions when every fiber of their body is wired to deny until caught?  I’ve tried to invest a lot of time in teaching my children about their conscience.  There’s no such thing as a “guilty” conscience.  The conscience tells the truth and acts as an internal judge of sorts, declaring innocence or guilt depending.  Remember Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio?  His title was “Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right & Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, Gide Along the Straight & Narrow Path”.  That’s a good way of describing the conscience.  And when we stray off the path, our conscience “prosecutes” (as a counselor-at-law) until we do the right thing and make amends for our misdeeds.

Besides ensuring that my children know how to listen to their conscience, I try to:

- As appropriate, admit my own shortcomings to my family and apologize for falling short.

- Mitigate punishment for quick confessions.

- Use third person examples of “never getting away with a crime”.

- Remind my children that the family is a place of love.  Love is why we do good to one another and misdeeds weaken the contribution we all make to the fabric of love in the family.

- Reward my children for honesty and consistency.  When I give permission to my kids to do something, I almost always remind them that the permissions I grant are based on the whole of their past performance.  If I can trust my kids, they get (almost) all the permission they seek.

Someone who thinks they can get away with a crime – or a thermometer reset – is a person who is not yet ready to contribute to the family or the larger society.  I hope Mr. Jones get’s his real life act together and can be an example to others of how to overcome your misdeeds.  Until then, he’s just an example of “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”  Busted.

#SoundOff:  Dads, do you struggle with your kids’ truth-telling and owning up to bad behavior?  I’d love to hear what you do to deal with this age-old human condition.  Sound off at the IGTBTD Facebook page (and be sure to Like us!).

Clark H Smith

Persevere!

Best News This Year So Far: ItsGoodToBeTheDad.com blog has been included as an Official Blog of Fathers.com / National Center for Fathering. I'm thrilled beyond words (and that's sayin' somthing!).

Check out my guest post at Fathers.com today.

I heartily recommend you spend some time at their site and read some of their great articles and blog posts.  I've written articles for the Center for close to 20 years now and I am a big believer in what they do.

Pope John Paul II wrote "All humanity passes by way of the family."  Copious research and 6000 years of human experience teach us that the family, itself, passes by way of the father.  I am deeply committed to encouraging fathers and sharing the wisdom I've cobbled together from over 25 years of raising four boys.

Dads, I wish you the very best.  Persevere.

Clark H Smith