#Challenge: Dads,
what do you do when your child has done something wrong, but they won’t admit
it? In reality, they’re doing two things
wrong – the deed itself and the attempted cover up. For me, the frustration builds
exponentially. How about a proactive
approach?
#HeadGear: Let’s play “Ripped From Today’s Headline”. Season 11 of American Idol is upon us. One standout, in the top 12, is Jermaine
Jones. I should say “was Jermaine
Jones”. As of today, he’s
off the show. He was arrested twice
in 2011 and has outstanding warrants. It
also appears that Jones lied about his father abandoning him a decade ago. Sources close to the family report that Jones
sees his dad regularly.
So here’s the question.
If you had outstanding arrest warrants would you appear on television’s MOST WATCHED SHOW? Honestly, I’m thinking this guy is too stupid
to be an “Idol”. But let’s not miss the big
point here – it is human nature to do wrong and then to try to hide it or deny
it.
I once had a crime scene at my house. Some unauthorized individual was setting the
thermostat cooler in the midst of a sweltering South Carolina summer. I called all the short people in my house
together, explained the situation and offered leniency if the perp would cop to
his crime. No takers. So, I scraped a few shavings of pencil lead,
got a kid’s color-by-number paint brush, and dabbed the shavings on the
thermostat. To my surprise, I actually,
sort of, got a finger print. I took tape
and transferred the print to a white piece of paper.
All the while, three of the four boys had gone back to
chasing lizards. Only one set of eyes
watched me as I did my CSI maneuvers. I
looked intensely at the finger print (smudgy and unintelligible, as it
was). I looked up and intuitively said
to the one child hovering around me, “These are your prints.” He burst into tears and a humble
confession. His attempt to lie about his
misdemeanor only doubled his trouble.
Still, it was simply human nature alive and well inside him – thinking that
truth is only true when has been proven beyond
a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve said to my kids many, many times, “You are innocent
until you do something wrong.” Proof of
innocence or guilt is fine for the criminal justice system, but as dads, we
have to teach our children that Truth is always true –
whether you are found out or not.
#ManUp: How do we teach our children to be
accountable for their actions when every fiber of their body is wired to deny
until caught? I’ve tried to invest a lot
of time in teaching my children about their conscience. There’s no such thing as a “guilty”
conscience. The conscience tells the
truth and acts as an internal judge of sorts, declaring innocence or guilt
depending. Remember Jiminy Cricket from
Pinocchio? His title was “Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right
& Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, Gide Along the Straight &
Narrow Path”. That’s a good way of
describing the conscience. And when we
stray off the path, our conscience “prosecutes” (as a counselor-at-law) until
we do the right thing and make amends for our misdeeds.
Besides ensuring that my children know how to listen to
their conscience, I try to:
- As appropriate, admit my own shortcomings to my family and
apologize for falling short.
- Mitigate punishment for quick confessions.
- Use third person examples of “never getting away with a
crime”.
- Remind my children that the family is a place of
love. Love is why we do good to one
another and misdeeds weaken the contribution we all make to the fabric of love
in the family.
- Reward my children for honesty and consistency. When I give permission to my kids to do
something, I almost always remind them that the permissions I grant are based
on the whole of their past performance.
If I can trust my kids, they get (almost) all the permission they seek.
Someone who thinks they can get away with a crime – or a
thermometer reset – is a person who is not yet ready to contribute to the
family or the larger society. I hope Mr.
Jones get’s his real life act together and can be an example to others of how
to overcome your misdeeds. Until then,
he’s just an example of “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” Busted.
#SoundOff: Dads, do you struggle with your kids’ truth-telling
and owning up to bad behavior? I’d love
to hear what you do to deal with this age-old human condition. Sound off at the IGTBTD
Facebook page (and be sure to Like us!).
Clark H Smith
