Dad's One Task, Do It Well

In time, I learned my kids
would let me pay them to
work around the house.
Great arrangement!

Today, I’m sharing what may be my low point as a father.  I write this with sadness and humiliation.  I hope some dads will "learn on my nickel" and do things very different.

Our first house had "problems".  It seems the foundation was affected by gravity, but the frame of the house was not.  They were growing apart.  Among several issues to address was the sinking floor beneath the alcove where the laundry machines sat.  I decided to add a new layer of concrete, raising the level of the floor back up close to where it had been five years earlier.

Saturday morning came, I put on my cruddiest clothes, filled the wheelbarrow with cement and water, and rolled it up into the garage just steps away from the laundry area.  I only had three feet of "no cement" zone between the garage door and the laundry.  The inevitable happened, plops of cement leaped out of the shovel and onto the tiled floor.  No worry, I’ll clean up later.

During this whole endeavor, my second son, then about 5 years old, was watching me in full ADHD mode.  I wanted to make this a quick and easy job, so I parked him on the steps to watch me work.

Suddenly, the "sit here" chip in his head broke.  He jumped up and streaked across my construction zone, scattering concrete widely including onto the new carpet in the family room where he was headed.  I shrieked, "Damn it, Noah!!"

That may have been the one time in over a quarter century of raising kids that I cursed in front of them, let alone at them.  I was mortified as soon as the words came out of my mouth.  I talked with my son, now 25, about this scene just the other day.  He doesn’t remember it.  For me, it was so recent the concrete has yet to dry.

What did I do wrong?  Well, yes, I cursed at one of my children.  Horrible.  I hope none of my readers ever do that.  But I think the larger problem is that I forgot my REAL task that day.

Dads, whether you are selling widgets, making gadgets, or fixing a hole in the Money Pit, YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN WELL.  That’s it.  Everything else is a distant second.  When I got up that Saturday morning, I failed to include my son in my work.  Yes, it would have taken longer and it may not turned out quite as well, but would you (would I!) rather have a confrontation with a child or a bonding moment?  I blew it – badly.

Over the years, probably sparked from this event, I’ve made a much larger point of including my kids in my work, both in my professional work and around the house.  Sometimes it takes some extra planning, but the results are so well worth it.  In America, April 26 (2012) is Take Your Child To Work Day.  I think organizing this nationally is silly and misses the point entirely.  EVERY DAY is Include Your Child In Your Work Day.

Dads, learn from me.  Slow down.  Review your job description.  Raise your children well.

Clark H Smith

Guard Your Heart, My Child

...but oh, what beautiful hair I had
(then)

#Challenge: Having “romantic” relationships is a natural part of growing up.  And maybe just as important, is learning how to deal with breakups – the rejection, hurt feelings, and sadness that follows the demise of puppy love gone wrong.  For dads, we have a responsibility to help our sons and daughters keep these youthful relationships in perspective.  Not so easy a task.

#HeadGear: While in high school, I met a girl at church camp who lived in a distant town.  We fell in like with each other.  Over the following year, I managed to go see her a couple times.  I enjoyed her family and we always had a lot of fun.  On one occasion, this friend presented me with one of the most special gifts I’ve ever received – a song she’d written and dedicated to me.  She accompanied herself on guitar as she sang the hook line: “You do mean more to me than anything I know.”  Wow!  I was 16 and I had a song written by a girl just to honor her love for me.  Go ahead, top that!

Flash forward… A year later, another church camp, another girlfriend, another chapter in life’s long book.  I lost touch with my friend after that.  Fifteen years later, when my father was hospitalized after a terminal stroke, I found out that this dear old friend worked in the same hospital.  We talked briefly on the phone, but it was not a good time to catch up.  Through the wonders of the internet, I found her again a couple years ago – now almost 40 years later.  We chatted on the phone about fleeting memories.  I asked if she remembered the song she’d written for me.  “Oh gosh, Clark, I’ve written so many songs over the years, I didn’t even know I’d written one for you.  But I do remember your shampoo.  You used Prell.  I still think of you every time I smell Prell shampoo.”

Ever had your emotional fingers slammed in the car door of a long dead relationship?  OUCH!  All this time I thought I was “song boy”, but in reality I was more memorable to her for the flavor of shampoo I used.  THAT’S what I mean by keeping things in perspective.

#ManUp: Around that time in high school, I promulgated the Incontrovertible Rule of Relationships – you either break up or get married.  Take some time and think about it.  It’s completely true.  I tell that to my boys all the time, especially when they don’t want to hear it.  Then I tell them the IRR again just after they break up.  I’m a stinker like that.

But seriously, dads, your wife is going to bandage a wounded heart and assure your child that “there is someone better out there waiting for them”.  Maybe so, I don’t like predicting the future.  As dads, I think our job is to keep our children grounded.  They need to hear from us that non-marital relationships are just that, relationships with other people we’re not married to.  

Especially for teenagers, we need to encourage social dating (groups) and throw up as many road blocks to one-on-one dating as we can without setting something on fire.  I’ve watched too many pair-bonded BFs + GFs spend one or two of the most valuable years of their lives scrambled up in doe-eyed love with each other and miss out on the social development that is supposed to happen in the teen years.

I think dating-with-marriage-in-mind is great once people hit their mid-20s.  Until then, an awful lot of energy is spent investing in relationships that have a short shelf life.  Our teen children need to expand their horizons, not contract them.  Dads, we have to lead in that process.

IRR: You either break up or get married.

IRR (addendum): The shampoo you use is going to be a stronger memory than your “love”.

Clark H Smith