"...For The Rest of Her Life"

I’m the father of four boys.  The only thing pink in my house is the dampness indicator on my cell phone battery.  

I have no idea what it’s like to sit at a tea party, to sit in front of WalMart selling Girl Scout cookies, or to sit with a daughter who’s just had her heart broken by a boy.  To me, it’s like visiting Holland.  I’m sure it’s a nice place, but I’ve just never been there.

I’ve done the math and calculated that raising girls is eleven times more challenging than raising boys.  Is that about right?  Every day, every hour, fathers of daughters set the standard of what these beautiful flowers are going to expect from men in their grown up lives. 

I’m a little reluctant to ask Chris Rock to drive this point home for me, but a short clip from one of his comedy routine sums up the issue perfectly.  Here's the link. (Be aware, Rock uses coarse subject matter and language I do not condone. Please watch judiciously.)

Chris Rock makes a dramatic point that every dad needs to understand:

“My relationship with my daughter is going to affecther relationship with men for the rest of her life.”

As the father of boys, I’ve had the privilege of hosting innumerable young ladies in my home.  My heart always breaks for the girls who have “daddy issues” – the ones’ whose father is not doing the heavy lifting of being a good dad.  Please read my previous post on this related topic.  Dads of daughters, I salute you and I applaud you.  I tremble at the thought of what you face every day. 

As we move toward Father’s Day, I want to ask my readers, fathers of daughters and/or sons, to consider again your influence upon your children’s friends.  Many of them come into your home and feel a safety and peace they quietly, desperately hunger for.  

Be the dad to each and every one of these kids.  Get to know them.  Ask about their lives, their school, their family.  Show an interest in them just like you show interest in your own children.  Yup, your own kids will cringe occasionally, but over time, they’ll understand what you’re doing.

Why do this?  Because if ever a child enters your home and that child needs a father to look up to - be that dad.  Don't miss an opportunity to show a child that there are great dads out there who care, who love, who lead with grace.  Give them something to hope for even if they don't see it at home.

And one more thing.  Dads tend to have friends who are dads.  Would you consider encouraging them?  Every dad personally feels the weight of being the leader of the family.  Every dad I know constantly takes inventory of how he’s doing and whether the kids “are going to turn out alright”.  Take the lead and encourage other dads.

I hope by now that you know that I admire the work that National Center for Fathering.  I’ve contributed articles to them for a couple decades.  It’s Good To Be The Dad is an “official blog” of NCF and gets a lot of exposure thanks to them.  I believe whole-heartedly in what they do.  

• Please, visit the Fathers.com website and find out more about their great resources.  
• Please, LIKE their Facebook page.  
• Please, sign up for their weekly email where once a week, Carey Casey, NCF’s dynamic CEO writes a blog that will inspire, equip, and maybe even entertain you.  Don’t miss it.

Now finally, if perchance I ruffled your feathers with Chris Rock, let me soothe them with this superb video from the good folks at Volkswagen.

Go Dad, GO!  It’s good to be the dad.

Clark H Smith

"I'm Telling You For The Last Time..."

Traveling cross-country, we rolled into a Holiday Inn “Holidome” on an endless stretch of interstate somewhere in Kentucky.  I’m sure Holidomes seemed like a good idea when the genius marketing guys first came up with it.  “The entire family can play, refresh, and relax in an indoor pool playground just feet from their hotel room.”

In reality, the cavernous pool enclosure in an echo chamber magnifying the sound of eight year olds squealing for hours on end while weary travelers try desperately to get just enough sleep to not be road hazards behind the wheel the next morning.  Not one of America’s better ideas.

Nonetheless, around 8pm, I accompanied our three oldest young boys to pool.  The boys played enthusiastically while I urged them repeatedly to not make whole lot of noise.  Finally, I called the boys over to me and began a Socratic dialogue that went something like this.

Me: Hey guys, I want to talk to you about why I’m asking you to keep from getting too loud.  Look around.  Tell me, where we are? Boys: In a hotel, Dad. (Duh! is implied here.)
Me: And who is in all these rooms?
Boys: (incredulously) People.
Me: That’s right. Do they live here?
Boys: No. They drove here like us.
Me: And what will they do tomorrow?
Boys: Drive some more.
Me: And they are not out here in the pool playing, so what are they doing in their rooms?
Boys: Sleeping?
Me: Yes, sleeping or just trying to relax after driving all day and before driving a lot more tomorrow.  And that’s why, I want you to play as hard as you want, but just don’t yell out, because, if it was me inside one of those rooms (and oh, I desperately wish I were right now), the noise from the pool would make it hard to rest.

Now, here’s the rest of the story.  In Kentucky, all hotel pools are required to have a lifeguard on duty whenever the pool is open.  Even though we were the only family in the pool that evening, the lifeguard dutifully looked after our souls.  The lifeguard also clearly heard my entire discussion with the boys.  When the boys went back to splashing around, the lifeguard said to me, “I’ve never heard anyone explain that before.”

That’s a sad truth.  As parents, we get caught up in the moment and trying to herd cats… I mean children by barking instructions or commands.  I frequently talk about doing the “heavy lifting” of being a dad.  This is exactly what I mean.  Sometimes, it takes a whole lot more work to explain a principle than simply command a practice.  

Telling a child what to do is a lot like “giving a man a fish” – it only lasts for the moment.  When my kids are outside the considerable range of my voice, I still want them to be good citizens who are in the habit of regarding the well-being of others.  To do that, I have to shape their conscience more than guide their feet and guard the tongues.

I want to add one more scene to this story, the last one I’ll post before Mother’s Day this year.  While I did the “heavy lifting” of splashing in a pool with three boys, my dear wife tended to our one-year old with croup.  She’d alternate between holding him in front of the air conditioner blast and standing in a steamy shower with him.  She did this for hours until both mother and child fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Mommas never grow weary
of napping with da bubbas.

Dads, every day is Mother’s Day.  When it comes to sacrificially nurturing children, my experience is that a sane and healthy mother will do more in a single day than most dads do in a week… maybe more like a month.  

Do some real heavy lifting this week.  Have your own Socratic seminar with your children about how precious Mom is and brainstorm ways to truly celebrate her.  Teaching your children to honor their mother is the greatest thing a dad can do.  That’s why… It’s Good To Be The Dad.  

Clark H Smith

Thou Shalt Not Covet

“Don’t make Craig C___ your god.”  My dear mother would often wash me with those words as I left for high school in the morning.

Craig was BMOC.  He was charismatic, a gifted actor, musician, artist, and handsome as the day is long.  If you were proto-typing the perfect American male, you’d start with Craig and not tweak much.  Even two and three years after moving to this new town, I still felt like an outsider and I was happy to have a friend like Craig.  We played sports together, performed in band together, and performed in plays together.  It was a happy friendship.

But Craig was from “a broken home” (as we said in the 70s) and my folks could see that his world lacked discipline and boundaries.  My parents’ strategy was to minimize contact with “unsavory” characters and influences.  I’ve learned not to judge my mother’s protective instincts, but I do often think she went about it the wrong way.

After high school graduation, I went off to college and a career.  Craig headed for the spotlight.  He recorded music in Nashville, he acted in Hollywood, he created some marvelous bronze sculptures.  But as we bumped into each other just a couple times over the following forty years, Craig opened my eyes to an astounding realization.  In high school, he looked up to me.  As adults, in spite of the apparent glamour of his life, it was my marriage and family that he valued.  I understand that he currently spends most of his days alone, golfing a little bit with the boys down at the club in rural Texas.

Every human has a “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” chip – we are hard wired to compare and wish we had what other have.  A three year old sees another child with an ice cream cone and immediately wants one no matter if it’s breakfast or bedtime.  As children get older, the kids with trampolines and swimming pools are the envy of their peers.  As teens, the kids who get to go on skiing vacations are “the lucky ones”.

When my sons wished they had what their friends had, I tried to not buy into the coveting cycle with them.  I’ve tried to use “I wish” moments as an opportunity to bless other people’s good fortune and hard work, but also to teach some economics.  “Son, I’d love to take the family skiing for a week, also.  Sounds like a ton of fun.  You know I work hard, but on our family’s income, we’d have to give up one of our cars to afford a trip like that.  Think of all we do in our cars.”

When my kids point out the excellence in their peers and think out loud how nice it must be to be so talented or athletic, I use it as an opportunity to point out the hard work and persistence it takes excel at anything.  I also point out my child’s natural talents and I’ll say things like, “I know being able to do what (talented kid) does is great, but we’re all made different and I’m proud of your ability to (talent).”

And always thinking of Craig, there’s one more thing I’ve done throughout my children’s lives.  I’ve flung the front door wide open and invited their friends to be part of our family.  Not just come over and play, but to eat a meal with us, to sit and talk with my wife and me.  I’m not the perfect father, but if any of these kids need a father or a respectable father-figure, I intend to make sure they know that I’m there for them as well as my own sons.  I know already it has made a difference in several lives.

I never met Craig’s dad, but I knew of him and if you lived in the 60s or 70s you’ve seen his work.  He worked for NASA in Houston designing logo artwork for each Apollo mission.  Isn’t it ironic that the thing Craig could tell us about his dad was how he was sort of famous for things he did for other people.  None of you have ever heard of my dad, but he made my house a home.  In essence, my mother was right.  I should never set anyone or thing on a pedestal.  But mom’s righteousness lacked wisdom.  My world was filled with people who needed to believe again in a stable home where husband and wife loved each other and their kids.

I love being a dad.  It’s Good To Be The Dad!  And it is better, still, to share my love with those talented stars of tomorrow who just need to feel a father’s embrace today.

Clark H Smith