Learning to Be A Better Dad

I recently posted some musings about “a parent’s final grade”. One of my son’s actually read the post and agreed that a lot of the grade is based on what the child takes from his youth into adulthood.  And we talked about a significant example…

Our four boys came in “sets of two”.  Isaac and Noah were born in 1985 and 1987.  Joshua and Gideon came along in 1993 and 1995.  A lot of our family and parenting experiences were formed by the two sets of brothers sharing similar experiences at close to the same time.

When the oldest two brothers began to drive, I realized I had failed miserably in helping them understand their physical world.  Let’s say they were “cartographically challenged” – they did not excel at map skills.  The stories of getting lost are still favorite bits of family chatter.

Beautiful, orderly Johnson County, Kansas

Nonetheless, when Joshua and Gideon came along, I determined that they would know their compass points and town layout like the back of their own hands.  We’re fortunate that the layout of our home turf is based on basic survey designations of township and range lines.  All our major thoroughfares run true north & south / east & west and are a mile apart.

I printed out maps for each son, a simple grid, and labeled only one north-south street and one east-west street.  Then the fun began.  When they were elementary age, I had Friday afternoons off from work while my wife was at work.  Field trip!  As we drove around town sampling ice cream, looking at gun stores, or playing in parks, I’d have the kids pay attention to where they were and what they saw. 

“Look guys, we’re one mile east of Quivira.  What’s this big street we’re coming up to?”  And the boys would scribble “Switzer” on their map cards.  I’d have them mark the location of church, the swimming pool, and of course, the ice cream store.  It was complete fun (they had no idea how much they were learning!).

Pretty soon, I started having the boys calculate distances to our destination without their maps.  Major streets on our grid are exactly a mile apart, so estimations were pretty easy.  Developing this kind of command of their (local) world has given the boys tremendous confidence to travel about.  I dare say I use a GPS more than they do!  And neither Joshua or Gideon ever get lost (ruining prospects of more dinner table teasing).

What started out as play has become an empowering experience for my (younger two) sons.  The whole “map skills” topic also reminds me how much I didn’t know about being a dad when I started out.  I learned and matured a lot through parenting Isaac and Noah.  I wish I had been more equipped. 

And that’s the point of this blog isn’t it?  I’m sharing some ideas and encouragement that might help young dads start faster than I did.  I’m honored to be an “Official Blog” of the National Center for Fathering.  My friends at NCF are doing a terrific job to help dads at all stations of life be even better dads.  Please check out Fathers.com website and friend them up on Facebook.  You, and the people you influence, will be better dads for it.

Pssst… and it also helps a ton when you SHARE one of my IGTBTD posts on Facebook.  Just a hint.

Clark H Smith

Druncles… or A Parent’s Final Grade

I call this photo
"Family on the Rocks"
because that's what it is, nothing more.

I want to pose a question to my readers: When do parent’s get their final grade?  When can we say, “this is what I have accomplished as a parent”?

I have my own idea about when I can survey my work as a dad, but I’d really like to hear from you.  Email me or post a comment on Facebook.  In the meantime, I’d like to share a couple grades I’ve gotten along the way.

My mom will turn 98 in a couple months.  Up until February 2012, she had lived with us for the prior 13 years.  She intimately knew the dynamics of our family.  Soon after she moved in with my wife, my four boys, and me she made a rare comment about my parenting.

“I think, sometimes, you are too hard on the boys.”

At the time the boys were 2, 4, 10, 12 years old.  They were just what they should be, rambunctious, energetic, occasionally challenging, but generally delightful kids.  I gently responded to my mom, “Look at those boys, do they seem unhappy?  Do they seem like they're afraid to take a wrong step?”  

Mom smiled broadly and simply said, “Well, no they don’t.  Not at all.”

That was my “first quarter” parenting grade.  Mom was just being a loving mother in her admonition to me, but if “the proof is in the pudding”, a quick look at the well-being of my sons indicated that they were doing just fine and I was being a good dad.

Fast forward a decade and a half.  Mom is now in a nursing home.  She has forgotten that she has a family, still full of happy, rambunctious boys.  We made a rare, out-of-town excursion for Thanksgiving.  All of us (six Smiths plus a daughter-in-love and very welcome girlfriend) held up for 40 hours or so in a small house on a lake in southern Missouri.

I hear horror stories of family gatherings ruined by assorted broken family dynamics.  A common punch line is “the drunk uncle”.  I’ve never had to deal with something like that – or fighting parents or siblings.  I know it happens all the time.  I’m sorry if that’s part of your family story.  All I can think is what a calamity it would be for a Mom and a Dad to look out over the Thanksgiving table at people who couldn’t get along with one another (or within themselves, sometimes).

This was the first time our family has gathered like this – all young adults, all with their own quirks and peculiar interests, all together for the holiday.  I’m happy to say I got another passing grade on this one.  The house was filled with uproarious laughter and good-natured heckling every moment we were awake.  No druncles, no fights, no wound someone wouldn’t let heal.  It was perfect.

I’m not claiming all the credit for this harmony.  People have to want to get along.  I’m just glad that was their choice.  I loved it.  My wife was blessed by the peace and joy that bound the family together.

Personally, I think Dad’s final grade comes when his own child is the parent of a young adult (a grandfather for 20 years or so).  At that point, you have raised a child who has raised a child.  You find what your own son or daughter has received from you and passed on to their child.

I’m not there, yet.  I’m still a generation away from truly discovering the value of my parenting.  But I just got “mid-term” grade and I’m kind of excited about it.  I’d love to show my grade report to my mom.  She’d be so proud of me.  And, in turn, she’d see that she got an “A” on her own final exam.

Clark H Smith

Christmas Gifts – What and Why

When I was in college I was invited to house-sit the homes of several upper-middle class families.  Just days before one Christmas, I spent the night in a home of a family who’d flown to Colorado for a pre-Christmas ski trip.  The home left a great impression on me.

In the family room, a tree stretched from floor to 12 foot vaulted ceiling.  It was decked and trimmed from trunk to tip.  And yet, a good quarter of the tree could hardly be seen.  Gifts for the three girls of the home piled waist-deep, completely encircling the large conifer. 

My parents were not wealthy.  The older I get, the more I realize how impoverished we were financially.  I’d never seen such a gift-giving spectacle.  I was, in a word, impressed.

As the dad of four boys, I often faced Christmas as a daunting challenge.  How many gifts are sufficient?  How much should I spend?  How do I strategize a gift that packs the “WOW” punch and not get diluted with all the other gifts?  My wife and I found ourselves wandering the aisles of Batteries R Us, juggling gift equality based largely on how much we spent on each child.

Although gift-giving is a long-standing social custom in most cultures, the reason my family exchanges gifts… at Christmas... is because we’re honoring our belief that God gave Jesus to the world.  We are created in God’s image so gift-giving is in our DNA.  Jesus also received gifts at His birth.  Remember gold, frankincense, and myrrh?  And don’t forget that Joseph and Mary chipped in according to their means – swaddling clothes.

Those four gifts are the categories of gifts we give our children every year.  (Actually, these are simply the four gifts we give.  Each child has four gifts under the tree.  We have replaced abundance with thoughtfulness and meaning.)  Please take about five minutes and read more about The Jesus Gifts.  I hope it inspires more meaningful gifting.

Just today, I read an article by British man that almost set my blood boiling.  The first paragraph really ticked me off, but I read on and realized how wise his suggestions were.  One section heading makes a point that I urge every gift-giver to consider carefully: “We're disconnecting from why we give”.

The Jesus Gifts process draws my wife and I into a deep and thoughtful examination of each child’s life.  Every year, the Gold gift is a celebration of each child’s personality and bent in life.  We usually start our planning in the late summer.  We talk about each child, what they’re doing in life, what they’re interested in, and where we see them moving forward. 

Gold, especially, is born out of those conversations.  Frankincense, myrrh, and swaddling clothes also grow out of those considerations of each child’s life.  I hope for you that Christmas gifting is a process (not a purchase) that causes you to embrace each child’s life deeply.

It’s not to late to look at The Jesus Gifts and see if it doesn’t give you some inspiration.  I hope it does.  And by the way, Merry Christmas.

Clark H Smith