I want to share something pretty interesting with my IGTBTD
readers today. Friends of mine, Duane and his son, Curran, recently
participated in some wacky steeplechase-ironman-grungefest. There was all kinds
of running through mud and fire and everything wonderful. Here's a picture of
the two of them going through one of the water hazards.
What a great scene, father and young adult son bonding
through the shared experience of testing their strength and endurance. I really
encourage this kind of father-son activity. Especially as the kids get older,
we dads need to find new ways of staying connected with our kids as they
grapple with all the challenges of the grown-up world.
Only one problem… the photo above is an amazing optical
illusion. Curran is actually 14 and a freshman in high school. Scroll down to see
the picture in the last paragraph. That's Curran's actual size.
When these photos first popped up on my friend's Facebook
account, I was stunned. I was stunned that the camera accidentally captured
what was happening inside
Curran! He's already beginning to feel like a man. Girls are more
"interesting". Work, and income, is beginning to add a new level of independence. He thinks about life in
more complex and subtle ways than ever before. In short, he's growing up, fast,
even though he may be a couple years away from the growth spurt that will
signal to the rest of us that he is quickly becoming the young man he looks
like in the first picture.
A couple posts back, I
wrote about the developmental issues that maturing children face and how
dads can "mature" in our fathering techniques to keep pace. If you
haven't yet, please read that post.
But let's let Duane and Curran give us some tremendous
advice as well… Dads, keep growing in how you connect with your kids. This
wackadoodle run through fire and water would have been frustrating and nearly
impossible for Curran just a couple years ago. It would have separated father and son. Now, from
either picture you want to look at, it seems that father and son found an
experience that drew them closer together.
With my boys, I've gone from working on Legos to working on
cars. Although I think I was much more skilled on the Legos, I now cherish that
time together under an oily Jeep engine. I think my kids might, too!
Dad's keep growing along with your children! It's good to be
the dad!!!
My journey toward Empty Nesting is now just days... heartbeats... away. Youngest son will wave goodbye to Mommy and Daddy in less than three weeks and be off on his "grown up" journey. Many of my readers are in my shoes. Many others of my readers are preparing for the first day of Elementary School.
I've got something for each situation. Enjoy these re-runs posted last summer, but still urgently fresh.
We have a saying around our house, “10s get 10s”. It’s not a
law of the universe, more like a proverb (which simply means something proves to be true often enough that you
can generally rely on it). Think of the clichéd high school romance – the football
quarterback and the cheerleader. It’s a cliché because it happens often enough
in reality that we understand what it’s telling us… “10s get 10s”.
This all started when I showed my boys this three minute snippet from a
Discovery Channel show, The Science of Sex Appeal.
I encourage you to watch it and then to share it with your
children (probably teens will understand it best).
My point in all this is to stimulate my sons to be 10s. Oh,
you’ve see the family photos… “good luck with that”, right?
Fortunately, we’ve evolved a little bit beyond appreciating
pure physical attraction. Our mate-seeking preferences extend to consider a
person’s work ethic, disposition, and compatibility of interests. The good news
is we all can be(come) 10s in many ways other than what the “mirror, mirror on
the wall” tells us. And this applies to far more than just pair-bonding.
I recently shared this graph with my youngest son. I call it
the “10s get 10s” graph. (You should be
able to click and enlarge it.) The black,
bell curve line represents the “application of abilities”. Not many of us are
the absolute best on earth at any one thing (raw ability). But we can all make
an effort to apply the abilities that we do have.
Whether playing the piano or soccer, bussing tables, or
managing a Fortune 500 company, most of us are likely to get better based on
the diligence with which we apply our ability. We approach “10ness” by our
efforts to get better. The bell curve indicates that most people are satisfied
with being a 4, 5, 6, or 7. Moving to the far right side of the curve simply
takes more effort than most humans want to give… but I believe that high-value
ground is available to more people than will ever go there.
The ascending red line represents the “…get 10s” side of the
equation – opportunities and rewards. To go back to our cliché, the quarterback
(the one with a 10 on his forehead) tends to attract the attention of the
cheerleader (with a 10 on her forehead). Again and fortunately, we’re not all
stuck in the mediocre rut our looks and natural abilities afford us. The more
we apply our abilities, the more likely
(it’s a proverb, remember) we are to experience rewards for our efforts,
whether that be relatively higher income, relatively more satisfying relationships,
perceived greater esteem, etc.
Dads, this is where YOU come in. I urge you to think about
this topic and consider translating it to your children. (I love running errands
with my children or taking them to lunch and talking about things just like
this.) Examples of “10s get 10s” are all around us and worth using as teaching
opportunities with our children.
A youngster picked to be the soccer team captain is
probably a child that shows up consistently and works hard at practice – it’s
not always the team’s leading scorer. The child selected to assist the teacher
on a demonstration is usually one who has paid attention and shown an interest
in class. Summer mowing jobs usually go to the neighbor kid who did a good job the
first time. And healthy, life-long relationships go, not to star-crossed
lovers, but to those who work at love day in and day out.
You can find innumerable examples of “10s get 10s” in your
immediate world and explain them to your children. I hope you do. I hope you
emphasize that people who work at applying their abilities are the people who tend
to experience greater opportunities and rewards for their efforts. Because that’s
how life tends to work.
A personal example comes to mind right now that will uniquely
illustrate this. I consider myself something of a barbeque aficionado – both producing
and consuming it. Years ago, when KC
Masterpiece bbq sauce was just hitting the national tongue, I did a taste
test with some friends comparing my sauce to Rich Davis’ nasty, molassesey
Texas-style sauce (in my humble opinion). ALL of my taste-testers liked mine
better. When I made the big reveal, that they had all selected my sauce over the
million dollar competitor, one friend looked at me flatly, saying “everybody
makes better sauce than KC Masterpiece. Davis just got his out there.”
It’s all true. Rich Davis brewed small batches of his sauce
in his home kitchen, bottled it, and went door-to-door, store-to-store,
pestering his way onto grocery shelves. He applied his abilities (and mediocre
sauce) and became a 10, making millions of dollars along the way.
Me, I still make
better sauce, but you’d never know it. I’m working at being a 10 dad, not saucier.
What about you?
In my high school’s impoverished library sat a lonely book
entitled, (Those Awkward Years) Twixt Twelve and Twenty. What high schooler is
ever going to read that book? We were
living it!
They say the years
Twixt twelve and twenty
Are the years of
Confusion and doubt
Now, I’m no developmental psychologist although I play one
on the internet. In layman’s terms, my wife and I call the “confusion and doubt”
phase that kids go through “stinking”. Something happens when kids approach
their early teens that turns them inside out, upside down, and makes them
uneasy with life in general.
A real developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget,
described the teen years as the beginning of the Formal Operational Stage. (Big words for “stinking” if you ask me.) Here’s the definition:
Abstract thought emerges during the
formal operational stage. Children tend to think very concretely and
specifically in earlier stages. Children begin to consider possible outcomes
and consequences of actions.
To understand this, let me back up a couple stages. When a
child begins to discover that letters represents sounds and begins to write
those letters, something interesting happens. The child sees letters p,q,b,d
(for example) and notices that all of them are the same shape – a circle with a
line on it – and he wonders “What’s the difference?”. Questioning and
experimentation are essential for the child to finally anchor the right shape
that goes with the right sound. Some kids wrestle with this more than others.
In my mind, the same thing happens in adolescence. Only
twixt twelve and twenty, the child is wrestling with abstract ideas of right
and wrong, actions and consequences, risk and reward. “Because I said so!”
works great with six year olds, not so much with sixteen year olds. THIS IS NOT
BECAUSE TEEN YEARS REQUIRE REBELLION. Dad, back off! Your kids are, for the
first time in their lives, wrestling with ideas…
and they’re not going to get everything right the first time.
I have four boys. Everyone of them have hit the high
vertical wall of adolescence and started “stinking”. They gave me attitude for
absolutely no reason. They were moody for no reason. They became irresponsible
where, in the past, they were very reliable. Hey, they stink!
At these moments, it is very easy for a parent to think, “Ok,
this is where the wheels come off the wagon. I’m losing my child.” Take it from
me (and my youngest turns 18 in two weeks, I know what I’m talking about), this
is not how or when you lose your child! Believe it.
It may help you to put your child’s behavior in context of a
question, as if they’re asking the world – “I’ve never been here before. Am I doing
this right?”
How do you act when you have “confusion or doubt”. You’re
not the loveliest person at that moment, are you? Ever gone through four, five, six,
seven years of confusion or doubt? Well, yes you have. You were a stinking teen
once, too. Remember? Or do you see your teen years as totally different from
what your teen children are putting you through? Maybe you need to have a talk
with your mom and dad!
Let me give two strong points of advice and one encouraging
word.
Advice #1 – You have
to change, too. “Do as I say” is done. Don’t try that again. It will only
distance you from your child. In one of my
first posts here at It’s Good To Be The Dad, I said something you need to
hear again now:
I have never had a bad conversation
with a child that begins with “I want to explain why I think this is
important.”
If your “house rules” are proper, you – the adult – should be
able to explain why. Don’t treat your kid like a kid… he or she is racing
toward adulthood and they’re wrestling with ideas, not rules. Meet them where
they are!
Advice #2 – Equip
your maturing child with effective language and behavior. I have told every one
of my sons, “I know you need to pull away, but your job is to be lovely about.”
And I went on to give them permission to say, “I disagree with you.” or “I don’t
like that decision.” Talk to your children about how people in your workplace
disagree, but still manage to be kind to one another. Teach them about the
world they are entering.
Encouraging Word –
Dad, lean close to the computer screen, I need to tell you something very
important. “They. Come. Back.”
I still remember standing in the Olathe (KS) Walmart talking
to my friend Craig Jaggard whose son, Jason, was just a couple years older than
my oldest son. Craig and I talked about everything I’ve written here. Craig
looked at me with mature, wise eyes and said, “Clark, they come back.”
Tears welled up heavily in my eyes at the thought that these
little guys, whom I have loved since the moment of their conception, have not forsaken
and abandoned me. They’re just finding their own, adult path into a confusing
world… just as I had.
In essence… no, in pure reality, I asked Craig, “Am I doing
this right?” To this moment, I am blessed by his encouraging wisdom.
Fathers, be good to your children. You can’t tell them where
to go, but you can help them find their way, out into the world… and back
again.
Q: What’s worse
than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a
worm.
Here’s another one…
Q: What’s worse
than an unsupervised three year old learning how to start a lawnmower?
A:… we’ll get to that in a minute
First, I want to tell you about a wonderful man – family and
friends called him “Daddy Don”. Daddy Don was a gracious and generous man. Long
ago, he volunteered to help me with some upgrades to a house I had just purchased.
Now, I’m pretty handy. I grew up as a carpenter’s son and I
know my way around power tools pretty well. As we cut boards out on the deck
and headed inside to do our work, Daddy Don did something I’d never done, or
seen done, before. He bent over and unplugged the circular saw. In a flash,
Daddy Don’s wisdom washed over me. He was, indeed, a good great dad and
he wanted me to be a great dad by not putting my children at risk. I’ve never
forgotten that simple, unspoken lesson or the wisdom behind it.
There’s a great verse in the Bible that encourages older men
to “…teach young men to be wise.” (Titus 2:6 NLV). That’s exactly what Daddy
Don was doing, he was transferring the wisdom he earned throughout his life
into my young life. That’s great advice in both directions. Older men, be eager
to share the lessons you’ve learned (often the hard way!) with the younger
generation. Younger men, show openness to your seniors, honor their journey
through life and soak in their wisdom. “Learn on their nickel”.
What? The lawnmower… Oh,
yes, my ADD kicked in there for a moment.
Recently, I was riding my bike through a beautiful, upscale suburban
neighborhood. I was not surprised to hear the roar of a lawnmower, but when I
realized it was coming from a tiny little tot standing next to an unattended
mower, I was alarmed. I hopped off my bike and ran up to the open garage doors
whistling and yelling loudly.
Eventually a grandma aged woman appeared and asked me what
the problem was. “That little boy is all alone and starting the lawnmower.”
“No,” she protested, “he’s just playing. He can’t start it.”
Just then, on cue, the tyke turned the electric start (I
told you it was an upscale neighborhood) on the mower and it fired up. Sadly,
the woman expressed no great alarm, just mild disappointment as she sauntered
over and led the lad away from the mower. In reflection, I probably should have
called 911 in hopes of making a greater impression.
I shudder to think about “what’s worse” than what I
witnessesed.
I got back on my bike, my heart racing, and rode away –
wishing desperately that that family had a Daddy Don around to impart some
life-saving wisdom to them… and so very thankful that I’ve had a Daddy Don in
my life.
When my first son was born, I was overwhelmed with joy and
love. I just wanted to gobble him up with affection. But I had never been down
this path of life before and I didn’t know what was
Baby Isaac... and the happiest dad in the world!
“proper”. I think every dad
shares that vulnerability.
A new article on the AP wire, The
new dads: Diaper duty's just the start, carries a quote that really caught
my attention: "Before, when everyone made motherhood seem like such a big
deal, men weren't chipping in as much." (I urge you to read the article.)
Before my Mom audience* lynches this guy (‘cuz mother IS
a big deal!), can I take a run at explaining what this dad wanted to say? Motherhood is a big deal. So big, it is very easy
for dads to feel like we’re on the outside looking in… like we don’t “get it”. I
think what this dad intended to say was that he’d happily engage in caring for the
baby if his wife would empower him
to participate.
Men, most men anyway, are not natural caregivers. We’re just
not wired that way. Nonetheless, the arrival of a new life in one’s home, in
one’s arms, sparks a desire in most men to participate even in the earliest
efforts to care for this life. We need permission and encouragement from the mothers of our child to dive into
parenthood. My wife gave me that and it opened the door for the great
realization that It’s Good To Be The
Dad!
I recently helped out on a project with the National Center for Fathering. We converted a
great book on the first stage of fatherhood from print format to ebook. “Forming a Lifelong Bond: For Dads
of Infants” is an encouraging and insightful project that will inspire every
new dad. Working on the book, I waffled between “Glad I did that right” to “Ouch, wish I had known that.”
So, dads (even
expecting ones, you know who you are), would you do a couple things today?
Read the AP
article and realize that you’re part of a remarkable generations of dads.
Own it. AND, please download the ebook
and make some time to read it in the next couple weeks. There’s a lot of wisdom
waiting for you there.
Oh, was I kissing my newborn baby too much? No. Turns out
you can’t kiss ‘em too much. Smooch away dad, smooch away!!!!
Clark H Smith
* And for my “Mom audience” (you know who you are), would you make note of this blog post and
these two resources. Would you share these thoughts with a young man who is now or
is about to be a new dad? Motherhood… Parenthood is a big deal and we dads want
to help. Would you think of ways you can encourage and empower us as we stumble
into this incredible role of father? Thank you!
My research
associates at the Internet tell me that “Mother's Day began in 1870 and
became official in 1914 while Father's Day only became official in 1972”.
Furthermore, my associates inform me, “In recent years, retailers have adapted
to the holiday by promoting greeting cards and traditionally masculine gifts
such as electronics and tools.”
My sources don’t come out and say it clearly, but I assume
these greeting cards and masculine gifts
Lazy days gone by.
One of my two most favorite Dad photos.
are to be given to Dad. Can anyone
confirm that for me? In the weeks leading up to Father’s Day, I usually drop
hints about the things I can’t wait until Christmas for (e.g. iGrill remote thermometer that sends meat smoker temp signals straight to my Tablet and Smartphone via Bluetooth … stuff like that).
But around our house, we don’t always march in the direction
the retail Pied Piper is leading us. Two years ago on Father’s Day I invited
all the kids (and the Babymomma, of course) to brunch. Before they fetched
their Hallmark Cards and tool kits, I presented each of my four sons a gift. Nothing
extravagant, but thoughtful.
Let me remind my readers that my family does something very unique at
Christmas. The boys each get four gifts – The Jesus Gifts. You can read more
about it here. The “big gift” is
the Gold gift. My wife and I put months of thought into a gift that honors the
life, character, interests, and love
language of each child. Hopefully, the Gold gift blesses and encourages the
child in a significant way. That’s the goal anyway.
That’s the goal and that’s the role
of Dad - to bless and encourage our children. I thought to myself, “I’m not
going to be selfish and let this day just be about me getting stuff. I want to
flip the script and in my daily role of Encourager in Chief, I want to let my
sons know that I’m proud of them and that I pay attention to their lives.”
So on this particular Father’s Day, I presented a book to
each son. They weren’t expensive books and nothing too profound. Just something
that said, “I know who you are and I love you.” At the table, I said a few words
about each child, noting their interests, activities, and steps forward in the
last year.
The kids (and Momma who knew nothing of my caper) were
wonderfully surprised by my gesture. Granted, they were in their teens to
twenties so No, I was not smothered in slobbery, loving kisses, but I hit the mark
and I knew it.
Anytime the commercial world turns the spotlight on
something, a wise person will at least look in the opposite direction and see
if there is any value to be found. I love receiving gifts, it’s my love language. But remember that
Golden Rule thing, “gift unto others as you would have others gift unto you”. Likewise,
if you want encouragement, give it. If you want honesty, give it. If you want
love, give it.
What do you want this Father’s Day? Flip the script. Give
it!
My youngest son’s plans for a high school Senior Trip did
not materialize as he had hoped, so he invited my wife and I to host him in
Chicago for a long weekend. Our pleasure!
Over five days we took in all the sites and calories our feet and
waistlines could withstand. Downtown Chicago is very accessible by
walking or by short hops on mass transit. But what amazed me was Gideon’s “competency”
in this new, big city. (Kansas City is the largest city he’s ever been in and,
as locals know, the downtown area on weekends is not as busy as a single Chuck
E. Cheese.)
As I watched Gideon order from a complicated menu, introduce
himself to strangers, or navigate around a strange new town, I thought back on
the “home work” we’d put into helping our boys be confident travelers in a huge
world. Maybe some of these ideas will encourage other dads.
I’ve spoken previously about teaching my sons map
skills and navigation. That’s a direly urgent competency every maturing
child needs – and you can’t start too young. It was enjoyable to have Gideon
correct me when my navigating sense escaped me in the concrete jungle. Dads,
teach your kids to know where they are and find where they want to go!
I also enjoyed watching Gideon navigate menus, sometimes
complex ones. Almost as soon as the boys could speak, I was encouraging them to
look at the waiter and state their order. Yes, even saying “Happy Meal” is a developmental step in the right direction.
My wife and I would take time to talk with the kids about
the menu, help them explore options, and anticipate what the server was going to
ask. Watching a seven year old look the waiter in the eye and order “a pork chop with mashed potatoes and green
beans” seemed like such a great accomplishment. I still relish the compliments we received about the boys from impressed servers. (By the way, I quickly
taught the boys to say “I would like…”
instead of “Can I have…”. Economics
101 is understanding that when you bring the money, the answer is always “yes,
you can have…”.)
I also prepped my sons on how to engage retail personnel.
For example, if they wanted a pair of pants in a size not found on the shelf, I’d
kneel down to their level and say, “I’m going to help you find a store clerk. I’ll
be right beside you. You should look at the clerk and kindly ask, “Do you have
these in a medium?” I’d say by the time my sons were five and six, I was very
active in helping them connect with adults this way. Dads, teach your kids how to
function in the material world.
The third thing I noticed on this trip I noticed was Gid’s
comfort in greeting strangers and even engaging them in conversation. Granted,
personality has a lot to do with this one, but dads can do a lot to instill
social confidence in their children.
Looking back, I never treated my children like shadows, just
an extension of me. When I met a friend, I always introduced them to my
children. And, if possible, I’d try to make a connection between my child and
the acquaintance – “Hey Bob, Noah here is an arrowhead collector, too.” That
shows my children that they have worth even in the grown-up world.
I would often take my sons with me when I met with men’s
groups I was leading or even to casual lunch. This helped them learn how to “navigate”
relationships beyond the playground. Dads, teach your kids that they have
value to adults even though they are still young.
On the whole, I always tried to recognize the skills I was
using as an adult and help my children begin developing those skills very early
on. I see a lot of dads “waiting” for their kids to mature before amping up the
life skills. Hmmm… I guess amping up the life skills sooner than later is how
they mature.
Food for thought. Hope you find something that helps.
A long season
of college basketball is winding down to the championship round. The wins and
losses are tallied and a few go on, most go home. As always, the stories behind
the game are what matter, what last. Hot off the press, enjoy this interview I
just did with Kansas basketball legend, Danny Manning. Be sure to read my
comments that follow.
from www.coachmanning.com
Q1... Danny,
you’re kind of a big deal. You led KU to the 1988 NCAA Basketball Championship,
you played on the 1988 USA Olympic team, you were a two-time NBA All-Star, and
you helped coach KU back to the 2008 Championship. You have two, young adult
children, do they consider you a basketball legend? Do you have to remind them
that you’ve accomplished a thing or two in life?
Our children
know I played the game of basketball. Basketball is something that I did for a
profession. It is not who I was or am. It is more important to be a husband,
brother, friend and so on....
Q2... I
understand that you put off taking a head coaching position for several years
because you didn’t want to relocate your family. Can you tell us more about
that? What led to that decision? How difficult was it for you, personally, to
delay the prestige and compensation of a head coaching job for the sake of the
family?
When I
retired from the NBA, we wanted to make sure our kids had as much stability as
possible in their teen years. We felt being in same place, not moving city to
city during high school was the avenue best for them. This would provide them
great stability.
Q3... You have
kids of your own in college now and you’re not there to keep an eye on them.
Would you share any advice you gave them about this chapter of their lives? How
have you guided them about handling new levels of independence and
responsibility?
We always
told our kids to be responsible, hardworking, loving people. Now that they are
in college we can't watch every move or every step they take. Hopefully what we
taught them growing up will help them make sound decisions in life now.
Q4... Like you,
your dad was a pro ball player and a coach. As a dad, though, what advice did
he give you that has served you well in life?
The advice my
father gave me in regards to sports and basketball was to make the game easier
for your teammates and find ways to help team be successful other than the
glorious ways that everyone gets to see.
Q5... We see
many college coaches who get involved in the lives of their student/athletes.
What wisdom or skills for life do you hope to impart to your players at
Tulsa?
We want to
prepare our young men here at Tulsa for life. We are able to teach them quite a
few great work ethic characteristics thru the game of basketball. Sooner or
later the air will go out of the ball and you will not be able to run, jump, or
move as fast as you were able to at a competitive level. This happens to every
athlete at some point in their career. We want to make sure they are prepared
to be a husband, brother, etc for life. We want them to understand basketball
is something you do, did, not what you are, was.
Did you pay
attention to Q&A #2. Read it again. Head basketball coaches at good schools get paychecks with lots of zeros in them. You rarely see a coach jump from one
school to another except for mo’ money. An even rarer sight is Danny Manning. He
put off the fame and fortune of a head coaching job FOR YEARS so he could
provide something priceless for his kids – a stable home. I get goosebumps just
typing that last sentence.
Dads, we all
have our heroes. We all have players that make us waddle out of the La-Z-Boy
and give a cheer. We need that in our lives. If you want to be legendary in
your own home, if you want to give your kids something money can’t buy, give
them stability. Give them confidence that home is the safest place on earth.
The old song went “I Wanna Be Like Mike”. As for me, and my house, I want to be
like Danny.
Q: Why does a worker wear a Carhartt coat to the winter construction site?
Q: Why does a 15
year old girl wear yoga pants to high school?
Clue: The answer
to both questions is exactly the same.
Before I reveal the astounding answer, let’s see how the
purveyors of Carhartts and yoga pants promote their product.
Two wildly different commercials, wouldn’t you say? I
wouldn’t.
I think they are advertising the exact same thing in the exact
same way.
A: The answer to
both questions above is simply, “to get what they want”.
In
economics, the term is utility – a measure a satisfaction
that a product or service delivers.
A bush pilot, a hunter, an outdoor winter construction
worker all want something specific – warmth. Carharrt, so I’m told, is a leading
manufacturer of outerwear that satisfactorily
keeps people warm.
A female girl on her way into high school, college classroom, the
mall, etc, wants something – acceptance. Yoga pants satisfactorily deliver acceptance because they are allegedly stylish,
currently in fashion, and maybe most importantly for young girls, yoga pants visually attract the attention of young men.
Whether Carhartts or yoga pants, saggy jeans or flannel
shirts, most people (who have the means to afford a choice) choose clothes that
deliver utility – clothes that get them what they want.
Bear all that in mind as I refer to a blog posted last
Friday by Fathers.com. Entitled “What’s
Your Daughter Wearing?”, the article wisely encouraged dads to talk to
their daughters about what they wore. The article posed a difficult discussion
topic: “Where do you draw the line with modesty?” I wrote a friend, the
editor at Fathers.com, and asked, “Why does it matter?”
Now I’m asking my readership the same question, Does it
matter, to you, what your teen daughter wears in public? If it does matter, can
you express why it matters? As a dad, I’ve tried very, very hard to not be “a
legislative parent” crowing “those are my rules and you have to follow them”.
My parents were like that and I don’t want to repeat that folly.
Before I lay down the law with my kids, I challenge myself
to defend my law first, in light of impartial truth and secondly, in light of
what is really essential for me to impart to me children. I survived the 60s
and 70s battle over boys with long hair. It was a stupid and worthless battle –
on both sides – I’m not going to knowingly repeat that mistake as a parent.
The Fathers.com article encouraged dads to talk with older [teen] daughters and “tell her exactly what a young man is thinking when he sees
a woman in a revealing or suggestive outfit.” I totally agree.
Boys have one track minds. Whether you believe
in special creation or evolution, the results are in. Males are hard-wired to
think (virtually non-stop) about sex. (If you don’t believe that, I’m sorry for your blindness. This discussion is not for you.) Men are especially
visually stimulated. King David didn’t fall for Bathsheba until he saw her bathing outdoors. An insightful interview
with Henry Kissinger never made the centerfold of Playboy Magazine.
Clothing styles have changed a lot over the years. Poodle skirts of the 50s and preppy khakis of the 80s were the watermelon and corn-on-the-cob of the Fourth of July picnic. Yoga pants are the fireworks grand finale. Whether a girl consciously
intends to arouse boys visually by wearing yoga pants… well, we can play that
game for a long time, can't we? But let’s say that she is simply wearing tight-fitting,
form-following leggings because she doesn’t want to appear dowdy and unfashionable.
I’ll allow that as a true and innocent motivation. But a girl’s motivation does not
define how boys will perceive her!
The question lingers, does yoga pants girl (YPG) intend to arouse the
boys? I have no way of knowing. Many will say that there is a difference
between dressing sexy and dressing sexually. Many will say that YPG just
wants to be trendy and in style. We cannot, must not judge YPG's motives.
But we
must also embrace facts. Somewhere between 40%
and 70% of teen
girls aged 15 to 19 have had sex. I would be hard pressed to be convinced that,
given this high incidence of sexual behavior, that YPG does NOT know what she’s
doing. (In other words, I am drawing a line of observation between the manner of dress and the incidence of sexual activity.)
Morals and values are the private province of each heart, each person, each family. This blog is not about legislating my values on others. What I'd like to do, along with my friends at Fathers.com, is encourage you to talk you children, sons and daughters about the idea utility and how we go about getting what we want.
Yes, I suppose that YPG is dressing that way to
get what she wants, so let’s be clear about what we think she really wants.
There is an old and well proven adage that males give acceptance to get sex and females
give sex to get acceptance.
As a father of boys, I have tried to raise sons who did not
take advantage of the girl’s desire for acceptance to get sex for himself. If I were the
father of girls, I would legislate against yoga pants and encourage my
daughters not to take advantage of a boy’s desire for sex to get acceptance for herself.
And I’d probably encourage her to wear a Carhartt
coat to prom, just to be safe!
